Nuisance, imaginations and dreams

physical layer of me: there's this blunder in my head, dunno what to do, which path to follow...where to go, what to hide and what to disclose. Right now I'm feeling disgust, i know anger aint a solution but if i don't write it now, i won't write it again and forever it will remain. Fun and miseries go hand in hand, but miseries take toll of everything positivity in you. NO miseries as such but worried about "the next day". I can advice everybody on that, "that you shouldn't worry" and when it comes to me...howsoever i try I'd be overwhelmed with it. Relationships aren't my cup of tea...won't be able to handle it.

more into the depths: But beyond these things i try to focus on other things...the other side of me. Nuisance may create chaos everywhere in my body-cells but it can least effect my imaginations. They are always separate from the physical world. With it, I can see that light right in middle of my forehead, with it i can play in clouds, with it i become the witch of mysteries. Because things we see now, were imagined in the past. So now you know, "imaginations" can create a difference.

deeper: Last night i wrote something in my inti, would like to share with all of you.
you really wanna know...

I don't love a person, i love a person's soul...I may sound fictitious but its true.
I'm connected to a soul made for me. I can feel it every-time around me, with me. I'm in love with it. I don't dream as such, i don't hate, I don't cry, I cant weep...this love with this soul is divine.
You'll find me absolutely mad and flirtatious like other women on this earth with this small difference...they're hardly in love. I've discovered the very essence of me since my childhood...never got off-subject(except for once i was in a web in disguise...a relationship, but nevertheless it taught me everything).
This soul doesn't belong to a body, but one day this soul will meet me in physical world...and I'll know it. There is nothing above or below love...its all beyond these limiting words. More in love, more into one's soul. I can see it and somehow i can feel it, you also want the same.

*ende*

breaking the habit

Experiencing: my honesty, unforgettable friendship, unexpected care, long talks, divinity in the world, or sharing a heart. And i guess they have just become everything. If i start writing about the past week, this post may take episodes to end...so i will try to brief my belief and grief. A day before the most recent day I was (how to explain..uh) unable to handle few misunderstandings and frustrations (everybody's everyday story, but yet they say "its unique" and me too), and was bewildered at close friend's behavior. I let things go, i left. Wandering in my past, i tried to focus on the situation but somehow couldn't do it. As i was confused in my own wordless-world, it made things better for me. I helped mom (..cared for the very first time but being honest i would say it was just to avoid unfortunate clashes), i talked to a friend heart to heart(..shared but being honest i blurred the facts too), i apologized (..honesty to myself...kept my ego aside but being honest i needed her badly), i smiled at my frustrations(..friendship because i had no other way)...the world is happy indeed (+ 1 smile i earned on my own).

One thing that I've started lately is to do at least one new thing everyday(being it a gesture, a weird smile, a cup of coffee or tea, undoing a paper or curling my hair...any random behavior in different way...that i haven't tried ever in this life), just to break monotony. I can see the difference.

*ende*

trance !!

have you ever been there, where i was. It's a trance-state. Barren thought-world...no surety of coming back to senses. Totally blank, blind and numb. I lived the moment, "bliss in disguise". Bliss can be a state of profound spiritual satisfaction, happiness and joy, often associated with religious ideas of the afterlife(wiki idea).

Hm....believe me I've been there more than once...!! One night i was busy writing some new experiences in my inti(dear diary)...while in my folly of imagination, i felt as if something called my name. I followed it...within myself, wandered lonely...it became quiet but then i found an answer, an ANSWER (i wanted in my last post...i wanted ever), i stayed there for half long hour(i dunno the exact time though). I opened my eyes and realized that i was lying on the floor (around 1 am in the morning), i threw myself on my bed and fall asleep. I had no dreams that night. I feel blessed sometimes, it was as if I talked to GOD. Believe me.

*end*

particularly its you !!

the reason for anxiousness is something i don't want to know, yes! today i confront unusual feelings...drastically new to me. Yar, what should i do?? This darn thing "affection" takes toll of me. It took me just one moment to bid goodbye and live here in ego alongside shattering myself everyday for just one answer. JUST-ONE-ANSWER. May be its nothing, may be that person is as cold as everyone but i just don't want to live this way.

here i rest in peace
nerves lie cold in need
thinking of you,
sinking in you
these lush green fields
this deep blue sky above
the breeze blowing my soul
reminds me of the eternal love
I'M IN YOU.
boundaries couldn't limit
the extent of its purity
millions of doubts
couldn't vanish my sense of surety
your absence is a spell
your presence too.

I envy those, You love
I deny I Love you
I want you to talk
I want you to walk
beside
hold my hand
i see this light
in your eye
You make me feel
important
I'm weird at things
when you're away
I wait for you
every single day.
I do not own you
neither i want to
I'M IN YOU
FOREVER.


You may conclude from this that i'm in love but this aint true. I'm in a state called "beyond love"...its lovely out here.

*ende*

conflict is dead

dragging myself away in the hindrances of non-subjectivity, i mean I'm letting myself go with my mind, so I'm kinda going off-track i.e. i had lived trusting my heart, always followed its order like mad but now I'm doing the opposite. I'm listening to my brains more than my heart. The conflict is dead, the ever revolting heart and the discouraging mind are paused. But at least today i know what i feel, worse is when you don't know what you feel (so today is a lucky day). Ummm...*pause*...a long one. Blank.....no pulse no beat no hope. Its just-breaking-a-habit symptom.

*end*

transformation

BELIEVE ME! I'm a woman and i know what a transformation means. I'm meant to be transformed into another person everyday. I am transformed today in a different way though. I had an outburst of emotions an hour ago, i cried my heart out...thought that people just don't understand and they just don't. But now its me who understood...sometimes I'm unable to express what my inner feel, i find it difficult to express myself but in brief I'm telling you...this soul in me has undergone drastic transformation. That cry gave me back the character i left behind in my past, i want to be something...I've found someone whose smile has become my sole motive for forthcoming life. This is no declaration, this is realization. The magic of world, the magic of the nature, the magic of my own. My view about blood relationships is positive and I'm still thinking about "the hour" of change.

*end*

i'm chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere

I'm grateful to life. It has taught me things i shouldn't have learnt,but by some other's experiences. Today, i feel so fulfilled...I'm up, to having living my dreams. A bright sunny day, a cup of coffee and a nice book, sometimes with friends or sometimes alone...with ongoing disputes and sacrifices, i call it "perfect". I've everything, but adventure. To be precise...adventure of exploring the world, the people or access to do something on my own, getting injured and to wait for self-healing, to find a world within, to demolish things, and make new outta'em. I should be positive about life, I'm fortunate...I can negotiate with the life.

*end*

Beyond Love

From few days I've been thinking about many things..wondering about what ifs, hows and whys. Sometimes just look at the roadside while you are traveling, notice things and faces that you generally never do...see the smiles and tensions...shops and shouting vendors. Notice children non-plussed, new to the world...hoping to get as soon as to their homes so that they could go out and play:), their innocent expressions and body languages...these small wonders give a meaning to live. I am in love with the world these days, having wonderful people around me makes sun brighter.
I realized that love isn't with a person but within a person.We just need a trustworthy person to share it, therefore when we say that we're in love...we simply mean that we have found someone to share our love, kept for long in our hearts. Talking about the world beyond love, the word beyond holds a simple meaning in every sense. People content themselves with the purity and importance of being from just falling in love with some person, find another world in there...but they aren't able to go beyond love. Love is a gate to the world of sacrifices, compromises, to the world of happiness, pain and pleasure, to the world of total-freedom that you never earned being not in love. You can never "own" a person, if you do that you don't have much to boast about. Love is a divine feeling but beyond love you become divine.

My day was absolutely great until the evening, I didn't understand my own behavior , there was nothing to cry about...i did it, there was nothing to write down...i did it, there was nothing to think hard...i did it, there was no one to be blamed...i did it to myself, there was a lot to say...i said nothing. Supposedly at home i'm an insensitive human being to whom talking to friends is everything, i couldn't change myself this time, because i need them all the time...i know whats right and whats wrong but then at home nobody cares for what you know...they care for what you show. My close friend says that I'm over-reacting and deeply touched on non-sense arguments...but then i couldn't control the tears welling from my eyes. Sometimes i just ask myself that why they can't see me happy, why can't they trust me, why they keep yelling about the past...I'm in no hurry but every body at my dwelling is. I see no way out where everything just gets normal and loving. I'm living in a darn confusion.

*end*

you neva know

dramatic!!!....i know. Life always comes up with surprises. Surprises u can never expect...sometimes "sad" and sometimes "bewildering". You stand non-plussed in the situation you confront. You prove, you fail. You never prove, you enjoy being alive. (EXPERIENCE, you see). Free-willed people live longer. You can never satisfy the people around you, they will always advice you, never do they understand. Their tendencies are different...only you can enhance yourself.
Talking about things in personal...i have stopped proving things to others and i think I've become more positive with things i possess:) I worth my qualities...whatever they are!
More about life in real...i don't conclude things happening in my life as real...I'm hallucinated...more than ever. I don't know where am i???? This is just another place...a place so strange, plain...no color, no flora...nothing like "i-have-a-reason-to-live" feeling but this is with this real world too....i often question my self, whats the reason of my being, why am i living this aimless life..., never did want to make money or love, I'm just waiting for my last breath...making efforts to die peacefully. Is this all??? Is it going to get over in a matter of seconds??? No laughs, no smiles, no tears, no cursing will be able to stop me from dying. I day-dream about all the things i expect to happen but they never will happen. These feelings take toll of my thoughts...I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. I want to write, but can't think...if i want to think, i'm unable to write it down. This is something that never happens with me...stranger than ever...undiagnosed.

*end*

madness

is all whats on my mind now. Dreams on fire....higher and higher, passions burning bright on the pyre. I'm falling into the most beautiful but drowning sea of life(won't reveal here), but you all know what it is. Leave this to me...I'll handle it...its my state of mind..huh!!!

dragged i feel
want to scream
carved on stone
as i can see,
an new memory..
an untold love story
alive in me.
time doesn't heal
it just reveals
the state of our
heart...
eternally leashed.

i know, i know....there's no rhyming in it...it isn't a poem, these are just feelings of a heart in love, in love with its other part...in love with the divinity...in love with the flaws...purely in love. There ain't a person, I just felt it in the air...this weather soothes the deep bruises, in love with the springs. Several things are going on in my mind, my friend ain't in good mood...she feels that i ignore her. Unknowingly, but i did it. How can i expect everybody to understand me every time??...this isn't fair. I shouldn't have expected so much. I should have given her time...i should have payed attention. **REGRETS**...but then i called her to accept my mistake and say sorry, she just said " don't just let other people miss you so much, that they make it a habit and learn to live without you", but hated it then...now i realise it was a true feeling. **I AM SORRY**.

Judging isn't right, you never know...what the other person intends to tell you and you just lead the conversation to a drastic end. This is the time when you have to just listen and smile...you'll be loved:)

Sharing is the best possible asset that a person can attain...it be countable or uncountable. I share my beliefs and griefs via this blog. I love doing it.

*end*