Just being myself

A scapegrace and oneiric,
i didn't see the pelf
everyone said I was wastrel
but i was just being myself.

i saw my empyrean
a novice to this world
they judged me nonsensical
but i was just being myself.

the most natural smile i had
the simplest praise was cause of my mirth
i had everything euphoric since my birth
although they didn't need it
but i was always ready to help
they called it "hypocrisy"
but i was just being myself.

i tried to give to others
that was never on my shelf
they took it and forgot
but i was just being myself.

i thought for a moment
later, i had this veil
that myself in me just trailed
I'm just myself for me
now afraid to set myself free.

:Swati Goyal

grudges wont go with time

there's just so much that mind can not congest...it should be thrown away the moment it bothers. GRUDGES wont go with time, no matter what. But there is a solution indeed. They can be buried deep that they never can affect a pea(though not everyone can do it). Time is the best healer rather i should say its the best reveal-er. I start with a negative thought but usually end up finding positive solutions to prolonged problems. May be this is the way i find ways.

*ende*

green grass and my bare-feet

Its almost been an eternity when i slipped off my footwear and walked on green grass bare foot. This feeling is a bliss...(I've to find you, tell you i need you tell how lovely you are...scientist..cold-play). It felt so pure and rejuvenating, close to myself. I've been more into my thoughts when i walked this way and gradually it made me forget the world 'momentarily' and i lost myself in the divine touch of the nature. The warm breeze talks to me and reveals a secret of its sanity. It presents me a hug and music from 'scorpions' take me to the bridge between the visible and the invisible.

*ende*

from being naive to being confused

For every girl who fell in love and now is frightened to fall in there again, this is called a journey. A path followed outta stupidity in adolescence and realized the truth later in gross as a "mistake" of a lifetime. You can never come over that mistake even if you want to...keeps haunting you...keeps shivering somewhere in the corner of your heart like a candle's glow...bluish deep under. Its a courage to live with it and yet never complain. This was the naive part, confused part of the journey has just begun with me. Experiencing troubles, not able to judge the righteous way. Although I'm learning to know myself but frequencies are mismatching. This love thing aint troubling me but keeps me away from this world. Being in love isn't a problem but to choose in love is a big one. A close friend asked me "who would you choose, the one you love or the one who loves you?" and i was blank. CONFUSED.
I'm trying to complete this post from days and got a little distracted. So these scribbles aren't focused, i blame the distractions.
I've become brutally honest to myself and to some extent with everyone. I dunno if it works safe but yet i'm proud of it.

*ende*

Ambiguity

Now-a-days I'm kinda unable to handle thoughts, they are just too many(billions of them)...just trying to pick one of them to relate things going on in this world. The answer is here in front of me, just need an eye to read it (the most difficult task on this earth...as they say)...whatever i think i do the opposite(people appreciate it, and don't know that they are bluffed...even i dunno). They believe "me" is what they know, but every past second brings a change and every present one.. i try to rejoice...and future.. i don't give a damn. There are many "this and that", i want to change about myself...but thoughts blend my perspective in a matter of minutes (while thinking severely..)..i become more comfortable with the heart than my mind and i do what i feel like doing at that moment...and the best part i don't regret it later.

**ende**

Nuisance, imaginations and dreams

physical layer of me: there's this blunder in my head, dunno what to do, which path to follow...where to go, what to hide and what to disclose. Right now I'm feeling disgust, i know anger aint a solution but if i don't write it now, i won't write it again and forever it will remain. Fun and miseries go hand in hand, but miseries take toll of everything positivity in you. NO miseries as such but worried about "the next day". I can advice everybody on that, "that you shouldn't worry" and when it comes to me...howsoever i try I'd be overwhelmed with it. Relationships aren't my cup of tea...won't be able to handle it.

more into the depths: But beyond these things i try to focus on other things...the other side of me. Nuisance may create chaos everywhere in my body-cells but it can least effect my imaginations. They are always separate from the physical world. With it, I can see that light right in middle of my forehead, with it i can play in clouds, with it i become the witch of mysteries. Because things we see now, were imagined in the past. So now you know, "imaginations" can create a difference.

deeper: Last night i wrote something in my inti, would like to share with all of you.
you really wanna know...

I don't love a person, i love a person's soul...I may sound fictitious but its true.
I'm connected to a soul made for me. I can feel it every-time around me, with me. I'm in love with it. I don't dream as such, i don't hate, I don't cry, I cant weep...this love with this soul is divine.
You'll find me absolutely mad and flirtatious like other women on this earth with this small difference...they're hardly in love. I've discovered the very essence of me since my childhood...never got off-subject(except for once i was in a web in disguise...a relationship, but nevertheless it taught me everything).
This soul doesn't belong to a body, but one day this soul will meet me in physical world...and I'll know it. There is nothing above or below love...its all beyond these limiting words. More in love, more into one's soul. I can see it and somehow i can feel it, you also want the same.

*ende*

breaking the habit

Experiencing: my honesty, unforgettable friendship, unexpected care, long talks, divinity in the world, or sharing a heart. And i guess they have just become everything. If i start writing about the past week, this post may take episodes to end...so i will try to brief my belief and grief. A day before the most recent day I was (how to explain..uh) unable to handle few misunderstandings and frustrations (everybody's everyday story, but yet they say "its unique" and me too), and was bewildered at close friend's behavior. I let things go, i left. Wandering in my past, i tried to focus on the situation but somehow couldn't do it. As i was confused in my own wordless-world, it made things better for me. I helped mom (..cared for the very first time but being honest i would say it was just to avoid unfortunate clashes), i talked to a friend heart to heart(..shared but being honest i blurred the facts too), i apologized (..honesty to myself...kept my ego aside but being honest i needed her badly), i smiled at my frustrations(..friendship because i had no other way)...the world is happy indeed (+ 1 smile i earned on my own).

One thing that I've started lately is to do at least one new thing everyday(being it a gesture, a weird smile, a cup of coffee or tea, undoing a paper or curling my hair...any random behavior in different way...that i haven't tried ever in this life), just to break monotony. I can see the difference.

*ende*

trance !!

have you ever been there, where i was. It's a trance-state. Barren thought-world...no surety of coming back to senses. Totally blank, blind and numb. I lived the moment, "bliss in disguise". Bliss can be a state of profound spiritual satisfaction, happiness and joy, often associated with religious ideas of the afterlife(wiki idea).

Hm....believe me I've been there more than once...!! One night i was busy writing some new experiences in my inti(dear diary)...while in my folly of imagination, i felt as if something called my name. I followed it...within myself, wandered lonely...it became quiet but then i found an answer, an ANSWER (i wanted in my last post...i wanted ever), i stayed there for half long hour(i dunno the exact time though). I opened my eyes and realized that i was lying on the floor (around 1 am in the morning), i threw myself on my bed and fall asleep. I had no dreams that night. I feel blessed sometimes, it was as if I talked to GOD. Believe me.

*end*

particularly its you !!

the reason for anxiousness is something i don't want to know, yes! today i confront unusual feelings...drastically new to me. Yar, what should i do?? This darn thing "affection" takes toll of me. It took me just one moment to bid goodbye and live here in ego alongside shattering myself everyday for just one answer. JUST-ONE-ANSWER. May be its nothing, may be that person is as cold as everyone but i just don't want to live this way.

here i rest in peace
nerves lie cold in need
thinking of you,
sinking in you
these lush green fields
this deep blue sky above
the breeze blowing my soul
reminds me of the eternal love
I'M IN YOU.
boundaries couldn't limit
the extent of its purity
millions of doubts
couldn't vanish my sense of surety
your absence is a spell
your presence too.

I envy those, You love
I deny I Love you
I want you to talk
I want you to walk
beside
hold my hand
i see this light
in your eye
You make me feel
important
I'm weird at things
when you're away
I wait for you
every single day.
I do not own you
neither i want to
I'M IN YOU
FOREVER.


You may conclude from this that i'm in love but this aint true. I'm in a state called "beyond love"...its lovely out here.

*ende*

conflict is dead

dragging myself away in the hindrances of non-subjectivity, i mean I'm letting myself go with my mind, so I'm kinda going off-track i.e. i had lived trusting my heart, always followed its order like mad but now I'm doing the opposite. I'm listening to my brains more than my heart. The conflict is dead, the ever revolting heart and the discouraging mind are paused. But at least today i know what i feel, worse is when you don't know what you feel (so today is a lucky day). Ummm...*pause*...a long one. Blank.....no pulse no beat no hope. Its just-breaking-a-habit symptom.

*end*