i still don't know?

My last post says 'i don't know' supposedly the best escape and eventually i don't know. A lot of things are coming up, and this little nervousness isn't that little. YES I'm scared, i don't want to be but I'm. I've risked it all yet. I dint have words to say what i feel, i still don't have them..somehow trying. I had let things or people go, whom i loved with all i have, and i miss them..a lot. Yeah! sometimes i ignore what i feel and accept what i should feel..because its generous and fair. Some of my posts will make you believe in love, may give you hope..because I'm that 'kinda' girl, i love being helpful..whatever life makes me, rich or poor, decision is made, a long time ago..before i came to my real senses. I learn everyday, and the only thing keeping me alive..i get to know and share sometimes. Like a true Capricorn, I'd kept everything inside and when spoke, it made me an idiot to myself. A lot of times i think there could be no problem anyway, problems find their way and when my heart is broken..hope finds it way too. Its just this, God is always at the mean position..we'd try to go to the extremes but we only see him when we cross the mean point while swinging all day and night like a pendulum. In all times, its the courage, valor, ability to face your own self and of course the force in your eyes and the love in your heart, that count. And finally i wrote.

*ende*

I don't know...

....

...........

From days I was not able to write. Why? Thoughts were impaling hard, couldn't raise my pen...besides silence was miles away. I was afraid to write, because this 'self' became sel-fish. It needed acceptance more than this hand possess the ability to write. But I realize it, as soon as my heart trembles to find no other way to express. My words though seem 'shallow' and 'fickle' sometimes, they speak my truth. I've been more into answering than asking myself everything. And my answers are descriptive, take time..i have a conflict within..a 'riot' i must say. Better i keep it inside, where it makes sense. Most of the time, I'm not properly conscious..i have those dreamy eyes which believe that they have got what the thing beyond them ever wanted. I don't realize that I've not spoken what i really thought i have..i speak more to myself than i speak to the world..and I'm least expressive in my proper conscious state. I'd kept a lot of things inside for so long that they are kinda disturbing me right now. Neither i can speak nor i can keep. Lately i saw an old man, working in vicinity from over 20 years, returning home. He'd always carried a smile on his face when i wish him, inside, as i could see, he's torn. Having the same routine throughout, everyday fighting for acceptance in the world, earning hard-earned respect..saluting his rude seniors..paying seldom attention to his wife and children..dying each day to not fulfill their demands. I could see it in his eyes that day..but 'he'..wore a smile. Momentarily, i was lost. My feet didn't stop but mind did stuck. These moments are precious for me.
I always kept myself from those teeny temptations. If i like someone, i just like from a distance. Because when things aren't spontaneous, they are pallid. If a guy ogles at some girl, she notices. May be likes it, because attention..everyone wants. 'She' may be thinking it for the whole day..because girls are specialized in thinking and thinking everything for hours. But girls are always afraid to take first step, if they do take..then they've really thought a lot or may be indecisive.

*ende*

i hate 'you' now n forever

//this was written two years back, felt like sharing this stupid teenager's hate with you//


i hate u now…
nor i love the things u said,
neither want to remember
the promises u made.

i cant see ur face anymorr,
when i close my eyes.
Just see the hatred
i possess for u in my core.

after all this…written!
i say…
i hate u more even.
u creeped outta me
sometime back
when u said those things
which were serious…
contrary to ur expression,
i lately caught ur intention.

everything was misunderstood,
since then i never weeped,
i gathered strength
against all that stuff
i cant forget you
cos bad memories forever last
but can surely erase from my heart.

u’ll soon faint i know’
...till then i want to die!!!

i do not link u to betrayal
but ur deed wasn’t okay,
i have no hopes with you
just i can only pray.

today u might have lots of love
around you
but one day u’ll crave for it,
i have hate to give you
for then u’ll love it.

i promise to never
cross ur river
everynite i yet shiver
when i hear you.

dont cross my path in future
i’ll keep mine away
though the hate in me
for u,
will forever stay.

you took toll of my patience
i forgive
you jugded my love
i forgive
you kept me in dark
i forgive
you insulted me in the past
i forgive
you haunted me in my dreams
i forgiv
you let me go away
i hate u for this…!

i have grudges against you
u’ll never explain
i dont want to hear...infact
they’ll forever remain.

now got no questions to ask
i hav answers in your silence
which is bleak and wet
your silence pierces though
it shields me yet.

if ever in my life
u’ll face me
i will see the guilt
u’ll see the hate in me.
cos i have nothing else to give u.

nobody can heal the wounds
i have hate to heal
which though may not be good
but i have only hate to conceal.

i tried to wash the footprints
of my love for u
they are still there
i made new ones of hate
which are more clear.

i threw all the memories
burnt the times
washed the compassion
and kept hate for you.

you meet me neva
go away….i hate u forever.

truth of my life
i dared to accept it
i have no reason
to go back
but to move on
still the hate in me
hasn’t gone.

-swati goyal

when i was in the dark, alone

It was late that night
stars were lazy, moon aint bright
I sat on my bed, before I'd retire
legs pulled inside my stomach
chin rested on knee, calm was my attire.

Eyes blinked, but too long was the interval
Hair flew, but so slow was the breeze
It was hard to differentiate the darkness in and out
was restless to think lest i would freeze.

And i thought,
that night i talked,
like a child to my inner god,
not afraid of being vulnerable,
not afraid if words weren't that suitable,
I spoke, without having to speculate a lot.

When i was in the dark, alone
I rested in silence upon his lap
this innocence and brightness i never revealed
the mask of surety was unknowingly peeled
I could cry and laugh out loud
was hopeful being alone, didn't miss the crowd

I saw the tooth fairy bringing up childhood stories
and those peter pan and tinker bell's memories
One hand was on my head,
another held my hand,
i was alive in me, it did assure
worries, volatile like never before
empyrean broke my forehead,
and reached my core.


by: me :)

monologue

you still here
I'd watched you go
why you smiling?
what do you want to show?

oh, this..
i knew i had.
for long, didn't miss
but its back and I'm glad.

Brooded over it,
spent several hours thinking
and understood in a while,
just when i thought..i was sinking.

You talk to me
waiting for you, to reply
Ah! yes, I almost forgot to tell
from months i didn't cry.

Now, you're here *sigh*
and i've seen you again
i'd love you to stay
we'll together feel the rain.

You shine under my skin,
You're the moment, consuming eternity,
You're the heart full of love,
did u miss my insanity?

a dusk

sitting here on the roof, time of dusk
watching the sun embracing the earth.
after it'd burn it all through the day
it loveth her, consumes her dismay.

this horizon dissolves my soul,
blends my surface and my core.
i feel I'm blowing away with the wind
like a leaf separated from the tree
to find some way, and the joy to bring.

Over my head, i see
birds returning to nests
but they aren't weary
i wish i share this flight too
while i sit alone on this uncanny roof

Sweating foreheads heading to their homes
and i watched quietly lamps that begin to glow
we'd bid goodbye to the sun
for tomorrow it'd return
with a new charm, with a new dawn
when all my dreams are gone.

:Swati Goyal

Just being myself

A scapegrace and oneiric,
i didn't see the pelf
everyone said I was wastrel
but i was just being myself.

i saw my empyrean
a novice to this world
they judged me nonsensical
but i was just being myself.

the most natural smile i had
the simplest praise was cause of my mirth
i had everything euphoric since my birth
although they didn't need it
but i was always ready to help
they called it "hypocrisy"
but i was just being myself.

i tried to give to others
that was never on my shelf
they took it and forgot
but i was just being myself.

i thought for a moment
later, i had this veil
that myself in me just trailed
I'm just myself for me
now afraid to set myself free.

:Swati Goyal

grudges wont go with time

there's just so much that mind can not congest...it should be thrown away the moment it bothers. GRUDGES wont go with time, no matter what. But there is a solution indeed. They can be buried deep that they never can affect a pea(though not everyone can do it). Time is the best healer rather i should say its the best reveal-er. I start with a negative thought but usually end up finding positive solutions to prolonged problems. May be this is the way i find ways.

*ende*

green grass and my bare-feet

Its almost been an eternity when i slipped off my footwear and walked on green grass bare foot. This feeling is a bliss...(I've to find you, tell you i need you tell how lovely you are...scientist..cold-play). It felt so pure and rejuvenating, close to myself. I've been more into my thoughts when i walked this way and gradually it made me forget the world 'momentarily' and i lost myself in the divine touch of the nature. The warm breeze talks to me and reveals a secret of its sanity. It presents me a hug and music from 'scorpions' take me to the bridge between the visible and the invisible.

*ende*