Abyss

Nothing in this world has been ever dangerous than a self-abyss. You are losing yourself in some kind of aporia, and you are willingly drowning yourself in it so much that you become comfortable in it. You begin to hate all that you loved, you create a self stonewall against affection after longing for it beyond tolerable time. Its not a real abyss, but yet enough to make you fall.
Y'know t-point has become a part of my day while I'm at home these days doing nothing but brutally killing my time. Sitting there and observing the peace surrounding me, but then peace only surrounds me, unaware of the chaos inside. When I'm thinking a lot, I go quiet for a long time, so much quiet that  nobody acknowledges my presence. I give no reaction to euphoria or pain.  

Where there is a will, there is a way to un-will it.

If you trying to find a solution here, I promise you one. Yesterday, I was somewhere in my deep thought and none could bring me out. I was just thinking hard about what was my mistake if I thought typically like a difficult brainless girl. What did i do wrong upon drinking some unfulfilled wishes to hang me over? Why couldn't i be needing all those stuff which everyone just have forever? Obviously, I put my ingredients everywhere, my choices, my own taste and decisions. Everyone is unique then why we keep saying 'save your identity'..'save until you'd be denied of your own-self'. I'm ruined by restrictions, not those that world put on me but my own prisons.   I restrict my mind. I restrict it over and over again. I restrict it to materials, I restrict it to small wishes. But what did i do wrong? I did nothing wrong, I just loosened myself to the worldly things, things that you need temporarily and then you crash them for they no more interest you. The flow of your thoughts help you find what you actually need. So if there is a will, there are ways to unwill it, just like that. Don't lick everybody's arse. The arse of your own is the one impossible to lick.

*ende*

What was the 'Plan'

So i keep on asking myself a lot of times "what was the plan", and sometimes i couldn't recall it. Sometimes when I see myself in a situation like 'this', totally weird or nothingness in head or may be inability to cope with the world, I have a question in here as an aftermath, "what was the plan"...i don't have any answer as yet. Why should I have an answer? To be able to reply when 'they' ask me? To race with the time? To recollect, what i've done so far? Too many questions, but answer is still i don't know, the best answer ever. I never had plans, i hate'em. Hate'em as much as i can, they ruin things, those who thirst for it are ruined. Wonder, what will be, if there aint a plan. Everything is unpredictable, afresh, anew, alive like a Dream.

Revenge of curse

I don’t speak
I watch you rot
You rot, from fresh bud to disgust
I see you in pain
I lust your weakness
I pretend yours to love
Inside i’m in greed
Greed of insatiability of you
I found once in me
Still a fish without water
dead long ago
You are Drained out
Your bruises are alive
With’em, i fill mine
fill’em with similarity
fill’em with your blood
You rot
I dig for you
for once I rot

without my earth
Please
Rest in peace!

*ende*

The Brute World

The world is a brutal place to live, Oh! yes, when we don't have eyes to see the un-brute-ness in the world, it should be. Sometimes I feel, our elders are not always right. I would be a parent in few years, circumstantially, and as a person I have known that all the boundaries of my mind aren't perfectly smooth. So, if i consider myself as a Grown-Up, I won't be a perfect one either. Then why? Why do our elders are always right, hereditarily. At least i don't suffer from, "Oh-I-cant-take-it-don't-try-to-teach-me-you-are-a-kid" talking mania. Experiences are not everything. I always think, my parents would have never experienced what i might have done, wholly. Everything has drastically been misunderstood, WHY? all because "you are a stubborn kid" mindset since my senior year of school. I cant mend it, its already been there since forever, they dont see anything beyond. Addicted to notify every pit and fall of our behaviour. Despite of all this, I'm still not able to believe that the world is Brute, it is still a wonderful place to live. For'em its brute and thats where we contradict and forever will.

before me dies'

I was goin' through my diary entries lately, i do it when i need to distract myself from uncanny thoughts or situations which are easily avoidable but my mind still hovers. So when i turned the second last page, i saw a secret wishlist, reminded me that i was cheery and alive once. I'm glad. The secret wishlist is a sweet memory, it also reminds me I had dreams. It reminds me I've got things-to-do. It reminds me to live once again. These dreams were seen to become reality someday. And before 'me' dies, i shall see myself in the eye and must smile.

Time, now watch me stop by!

I have feet to run
and friction to stun
Its all in here
corrosion-less 
in my mind

Hey time,

There is a path
You see,
Its a kind of long.
Before I reach the line,
I'm wandering
How would you compete
with a span so short
Sometimes, a little far
You lay behind my feet

You knew
Blinded my view
Since
You can not repeat
Yet you stood at the finish
Waiting for me
How sweet of you.
You hugged me with grace
I was ready for my grave
You dint follow
My Grave is still hollow

Yours
the winner

I have Empathy for Women

I just try to be right, fit myself into my thoughts.

This, may not fit as an article, but is intended to change the view of the cults who are not still able to realize the drastic transformation that women in India undergo during her forced-sacrificing teenage to the unfortunately miserable adulthood. And yes! I have a reason to every sentence that provoked a question in your wandering minds. Women, from the times of Muslim rules in India do not enjoy much equality and stature in the social setup, neither they are considered important enough to impart adequate education. They are still secondary to the primary position for men, nothing has changed much, even the minds of the Hindus were totally manipulated, they actually feared for their women's safety rather than curbing their rights to step out of the four walls.   

 And now, like chaff, they are grounded between depressing social norms and excessive imitation of Western culture. Why western culture is a cause? There is a huge difference between Indian thoughts and Western living style. Tradition of a country entirely relies on its climate, ancestral living patterns, religions and virtues. Western culture thrives on freedom and personal space or individuality, on the other hand, India is all about family's personal bonds and responsibilities for each other. Although, birth of a girl is no more a liability, thanks to responsible change makers of our society, threat is now more on their character and up-bringing. The Indian norms are not amended, they are more confusing now. Parents get them educated from the best of the schools possible, tell them to stand on their own feet, guide them right but fail to fight the fact that India is still India. She takes a step ahead and you drag her back for your society is full narrow-minds.

You can not provide much freedom to your princess for her career, again they fear for future safety. Women remain the chaff. Her identity is still dependent on her father or husband, none of hers own.

Property rights, 33% reservation in legislature, and much more about women empowerment, but is confined to a fewer minds. She fights for her own identity, unfair it is. Why i probe to her identity? Because I have empathy for women, because I am a woman and a responsible one.

Change is needed and 'WE' are the change.    

Fuck Fear And Break Free

Today i read all of my earlier posts, and realized that i really was hopeful about life, my days were full of sun shine and bright blooming colorful smiling heart, its not that i want to say my life is hopeless..but now i understand what hopelessness means. I've experienced too much before i could step out. In the morning, when i open my eye lids i see the sun shine, but i also know that i have to rise with it, i know that i have to find hope in the most dark places, i know i should prove something. Head feels heavy in utter light of the sun, night was dark enough, end of the tunnel just begun (Jeez!! i talk in poetry). I managed to learn something somehow, and why wouldn't I..darkness teaches you to live lively in light, it absorbs fear of it. I am glad about what i become now, the learner. I tell myself everyday that i do not fear, and see i don't.


*ende*

WRITING OBSESSED

Writing has become a need now, the day we were bidding goodbye to my almost favorite professor on the earth..i was thinking and thinking a lot. As usual, i couldn't speak and i didn't speak. I wrote, no..not what i felt inside but a farewell message and see, i was okay by the end. I am so vulnerable without writing and there are chances i would die. If there is a place in between happiness and sadness, i am struck here and i don't need any help, its a path to my gumption. My writs are of no help to anyone, they are just me laying in words. I am no human.

*ende*