Affordable Happiness

What would be the best-est of the feelings for me? To me, standing in the middle of a long bridge between two tree covered mountains and a peaceful but huge river flowing beneath, cool breeze and my open hair brushing against the air, the shiver of the nature on my skin and bewildered eyes watching the flow of the river, eyes gazing and gazing at the distance and coming back to the water. Nature cures you, in and out, to me it the best-est of the feelings, to be so near and yet so far. Well, my mum's and dad's smile may do that too, but somewhere at a place like this will be a dream come true. :)

Broken Bridge

I was always there,
You did not see me
although you stared
And in your heart
you were finding me,
a time spared to share.
What you think and 
what you want, you knew
the essence of an old page and ink
is the soul of you.
Bringing up in heart
those moments to live
to cheer
Now, when it gets real
It is cruel than we thought,
we, me and you.
Well, then as I pass
You lose
You lose your sheer
hope and wonder
But at last 
you shouldn't have given up 
I'm the culprit
and I surrender.


-knightesS

Beauty Of Its Own

Read some tips to be happy, the ideals do's and dont's. It speaks less and screams more inside my heart. The inability to keep track of my own doings or words or thoughts, it kills you. Entire life I've been listening to my closed ones, trusting in them, but now I've known what they'd known, to extract silk outta moth, we kill it by pouring salt on its internal glands, and enjoy the profit on its carcass. Running from truth ain't a choice, its just running. Yes, we do a brutal thing, and here the difference is I need to kill the emotional 'me', the crying baby inside me is longing to die for the grown-up 'me' wants to survive. Let go, just one smash, just one attack, just one final decision without looking in the eye, without feeling the pain wheeling in front of the sight, kill it..kill it, just let go. The courage has beauty of its own, the beauty of survival after a month spent in the heart of the snow, survival after a lava crossing over your head, a survival of living alone in an empty abyss and kissing the other world,  just need some courage. Courage for one critical moment.    

Abyss

Nothing in this world has been ever dangerous than a self-abyss. You are losing yourself in some kind of aporia, and you are willingly drowning yourself in it so much that you become comfortable in it. You begin to hate all that you loved, you create a self stonewall against affection after longing for it beyond tolerable time. Its not a real abyss, but yet enough to make you fall.
Y'know t-point has become a part of my day while I'm at home these days doing nothing but brutally killing my time. Sitting there and observing the peace surrounding me, but then peace only surrounds me, unaware of the chaos inside. When I'm thinking a lot, I go quiet for a long time, so much quiet that  nobody acknowledges my presence. I give no reaction to euphoria or pain.  

Where there is a will, there is a way to un-will it.

If you trying to find a solution here, I promise you one. Yesterday, I was somewhere in my deep thought and none could bring me out. I was just thinking hard about what was my mistake if I thought typically like a difficult brainless girl. What did i do wrong upon drinking some unfulfilled wishes to hang me over? Why couldn't i be needing all those stuff which everyone just have forever? Obviously, I put my ingredients everywhere, my choices, my own taste and decisions. Everyone is unique then why we keep saying 'save your identity'..'save until you'd be denied of your own-self'. I'm ruined by restrictions, not those that world put on me but my own prisons.   I restrict my mind. I restrict it over and over again. I restrict it to materials, I restrict it to small wishes. But what did i do wrong? I did nothing wrong, I just loosened myself to the worldly things, things that you need temporarily and then you crash them for they no more interest you. The flow of your thoughts help you find what you actually need. So if there is a will, there are ways to unwill it, just like that. Don't lick everybody's arse. The arse of your own is the one impossible to lick.

*ende*

What was the 'Plan'

So i keep on asking myself a lot of times "what was the plan", and sometimes i couldn't recall it. Sometimes when I see myself in a situation like 'this', totally weird or nothingness in head or may be inability to cope with the world, I have a question in here as an aftermath, "what was the plan"...i don't have any answer as yet. Why should I have an answer? To be able to reply when 'they' ask me? To race with the time? To recollect, what i've done so far? Too many questions, but answer is still i don't know, the best answer ever. I never had plans, i hate'em. Hate'em as much as i can, they ruin things, those who thirst for it are ruined. Wonder, what will be, if there aint a plan. Everything is unpredictable, afresh, anew, alive like a Dream.

Revenge of curse

I don’t speak
I watch you rot
You rot, from fresh bud to disgust
I see you in pain
I lust your weakness
I pretend yours to love
Inside i’m in greed
Greed of insatiability of you
I found once in me
Still a fish without water
dead long ago
You are Drained out
Your bruises are alive
With’em, i fill mine
fill’em with similarity
fill’em with your blood
You rot
I dig for you
for once I rot

without my earth
Please
Rest in peace!

*ende*

The Brute World

The world is a brutal place to live, Oh! yes, when we don't have eyes to see the un-brute-ness in the world, it should be. Sometimes I feel, our elders are not always right. I would be a parent in few years, circumstantially, and as a person I have known that all the boundaries of my mind aren't perfectly smooth. So, if i consider myself as a Grown-Up, I won't be a perfect one either. Then why? Why do our elders are always right, hereditarily. At least i don't suffer from, "Oh-I-cant-take-it-don't-try-to-teach-me-you-are-a-kid" talking mania. Experiences are not everything. I always think, my parents would have never experienced what i might have done, wholly. Everything has drastically been misunderstood, WHY? all because "you are a stubborn kid" mindset since my senior year of school. I cant mend it, its already been there since forever, they dont see anything beyond. Addicted to notify every pit and fall of our behaviour. Despite of all this, I'm still not able to believe that the world is Brute, it is still a wonderful place to live. For'em its brute and thats where we contradict and forever will.

before me dies'

I was goin' through my diary entries lately, i do it when i need to distract myself from uncanny thoughts or situations which are easily avoidable but my mind still hovers. So when i turned the second last page, i saw a secret wishlist, reminded me that i was cheery and alive once. I'm glad. The secret wishlist is a sweet memory, it also reminds me I had dreams. It reminds me I've got things-to-do. It reminds me to live once again. These dreams were seen to become reality someday. And before 'me' dies, i shall see myself in the eye and must smile.

Time, now watch me stop by!

I have feet to run
and friction to stun
Its all in here
corrosion-less 
in my mind

Hey time,

There is a path
You see,
Its a kind of long.
Before I reach the line,
I'm wandering
How would you compete
with a span so short
Sometimes, a little far
You lay behind my feet

You knew
Blinded my view
Since
You can not repeat
Yet you stood at the finish
Waiting for me
How sweet of you.
You hugged me with grace
I was ready for my grave
You dint follow
My Grave is still hollow

Yours
the winner