pret-end-e

Hi, before anyone reads it, it is important for u to know that "this" I wrote an year back, I'm almost evolving everyday, and this I realised only after reading this piece of my mind. I was wondrous and so shall be.

the day,
i don't know, i don't wanna blabber much but sometimes it just happens..i couldn't keep all inside. I should increase the reservoir in my head. Things are simpler than they seem, i sometimes happen to write just the opposite  of whats going on in my brain cells..I'm just too adamant to hear the truth. I'm adamant to not understand the real me. I'm selfish and stubborn.Totally unlike-able. Forget it, won't you? Altering things do alter my senses. I find myself 100% agreeable at times but indeed I'm not..everything is just so goddamn short-term with me except for the sorrow that i always opt for. Yes, i don't want to share this bullshit, but may be you find something likely in this fucking dog shitted mind of me. This is the way I'm. Don't think much. Read and forget.


a day later,
I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders sometimes like to rescue everyone from pain, as if i cause the pain. Yesterday, and day before i was so engrossed in listening to the song BURDEN by band opeth, epic it is. It got over me, i felt totally inside my inner self. My friend tells me to not to know what i feel  but i have yet another configuration of my thoughts when i know what i feel, it feels like deficient of something when you can't make out what you feel. Numb and nonplussed you feel in. But yet another fact that i can not deny is, when you speak or write or tell somebody..you are hollow inside, totally shallow..which is not acceptable by your spirit. I often ask myself, am i attracted to sorrow or it is equally in me like happy-happy side of me? I'm so confused about my existence..i do not exist only inside my body but in some thoughts, in various talks or may be few of the brain cells of a few people.


further,
I almost forgot, i love these winters. Albert Camus says we realize the warmth in us, when there is cold breeze passing by. I get easily influenced, but i'm not playing a blame game here. I like it.


further more,
I'm almost clinging to poetry, its tasteless as usual. At least have something to tell, past is a database, huh? Its 10 centimeters from a lie. Reading terminologies of poetry, indeed I'm an amateur. I love it, I'm adamant.

A Little Word Play

Do one thing good to yourself today. Pick up a pen(the best one you have) and a thick A4 size paper and write, write a letter to one year older you. Pick up all the bad things happening to you right now(I hope everyone is good at it), and pour on that piece of paper.Put it in a pretty envelope and keep it, near. There! your work is all done.

Based on the assumption that you've done what is written here, I can guarantee one delightful moment of laughter in the coming year to you. Don't distress yourself that I have assumed it and then guaranteed it, please don't. Just write it, writer. 

Reconsiderations

So, I'm at this point of myself, where everything brought up carelessly and bored meaninglessly has to be catechized. No, this isn't a thesis, this is bloody real, made of flesh and bones and nerves; dying and waking cells every second in my body do not tell you that I'm a new person, they are merely natural in every way, in God's way. Most of my body chemistry doesn't linger for more than a fraction of a second, and is therefore turbulent in every deed, my thoughts, my science is not factual anymore, they are abstract; bizarre as I see them from within. At this point of time, I'm reconsidering what I have and what I want. Having spent hours on thinking of way of escaping the mean world, now I see nothing but a black hole dragging me in, and you should be exactly aware of the meaning of a drag(against wish and wisdom). Ambiguous? Isn't it? It must be. I can't escape, a little hope engrosses me, a little madness left in me, a little. I'm on a path most traveled by unlike Frost, and this very thought eats my meaning of being. Giddiness to lose what I have earned (disguised form of borrowed), I'm reconsidering it. 

Entwined Part#1

"I miss you, OK?" I said, with diminishing voice in my throat. He was on the other side of the phone, I think he was imagining me with a maudlin face. I wanted to deliver my need in the best possible way, but I couldn't speak more than this. Eyes were sunk with tears but they denied to fall away and ruin the moment, my sight was blurred and voice, sloppy. I gathered myself to tell him what I did all day, distracting him from what I might say in need, but he understood my expression and in the middle of my monologue he spoke. His voice gave me goosebumps. He said, he wandered all day long, met several people, been to crowded and attractive places, but everywhere he had me beside him that is why he couldn't miss me, he sighed and fell silent. I sat on the cold chair in the courtyard, trembling, because I was joyous and teary. I felt a deep peace in my heart. His love was simple and honest, and I got the most of it. I was special in his world, like never in mine.

We conversed for another five minutes, before we could good-bye each other he chuckled and kissed his phone, "..on your forehead" he said and hung up. It was a tough week for me and him, we barely talked..but I cherished that he always had time for me. Those few moments of the day concluded my thought process, I stared at his pictures as long as I didn't fall into my bed and shut my eyes to make images of me and him together, that's how I sleep calmly these days, I remembered in my head. For an unknown reason I confessed to him my love that night, now every poem, verse, or thought doesn't come without him, its like I'm venturing totally a super-awesome amazing world right parallel to this one. I came in, sat and covered my face with my hands, I missed him more. Tears welled this time, I did not stop them too. All the load on my heart drained away with them, I was feeling light and illuminated from head to toe.

Bizarre Search

I observed something bizarre but interesting on my blog stats, the most searched keyword was "abyss". Is it true then, we are eager to fall? Curiosity about abyss is a dead end or is it not? I may not want to further dig this topic because its kinda gravitational. Me finds no peace these days to pour in here, instability and insatiability, both forces are alike and combination of these terrify my world. Instability is in the context of my thought and insatiability is again related to thought but also will. I can not fulfill my will or something that's more of me, I lack will and wisdom. I judge myself like others do, I try to fight my conflicting thoughts, I push them away constantly, but corner of my heart denies everything that's true, it is lured by sadism and hate. May be that we call bizarre or may be not.   

Words are very Unnecessary; Enjoy the silence

Lately I was walking on a lonely road in the dusk time, a slight pinch of music playing in my ears and billions of thoughts coming and going away...but one thing that was common in all of them was my desire to get something to do, i dint think of the things I might deserve in the future but rather things that easily attract me. I entered my home with a conclusion, that was dance and being who I am which matters to me the most. Loosening myself for a minute wasn't that difficult, just keep staring at the beauty spread all around you and you'll learn how to balance everything. I was walking and thinking how good it was to walk lonely in winter's chilly wind, touching my feet with innocence. Thoughts like people will think I must be mad staying at home for all these months without work, came and went away as the wind passed on another shiver in my veins. I imagined myself radiating white light sometimes to all those who were able to see me, and i actually felt they saw the light coming outta me, I was self-inspired. Also I thought that someday someone will read all this stuff and will say that she is a born-writer of our time. Wish I can really deliver the beautiful facts I adore in this life to everyone who is to read my writs. Gave a minute thought to all those moments where my eyes will shed tears of joy, tears for someone I love and tears of loss, Oh! god there is no way outta here, i can keep thinking forever.  

For him

How your face like pendulum

manages to hypnotize my being

Curves of your eyes gaze into me

my soul and my words are silent

mesmerized by you, oh! you

My lover, My self.

I'm a mere reflection in the mirror

The thing that I see there,

right in front of me,

it seems alive,

behaving like my own body..

same gestures and same eyes.

Sometimes it feels fake

And I'm a mere reflection in the mirror.

PS: Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear to be.

Unbearable Lightness Of Being #MilanKundera

An author is generally judged as prolific by the first line of his/her novel, but Milan Kundera by the title of his books. He is a pro writer with excellent works in fiction, non-fiction and essays. The journey through the pages of this book has begun, I will let you read it with me and will share all the valuable parts of his mind in this fiction writ.
Well, lets read the first line first "The idea of eternal return is a mysterious one...to think that everything recurs as we once experienced it.....and that the recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum...what does this mad myth signify? ", this might turn out to be something I would never be able to judge!! Lets go on reader.

Visually

Its the same old story, wake up late and do not think at all about the forth coming day. That's how it is going. Then you realized you had a better plan than sleeping, you make a few calls and end up with nothing. You curse everything around you..for your life is as numb as it was a day before. No Plans! Is that it what your problem could be?

What else then? Move on! no other damn option in your life for your mind is fucked up by those small little things, want to sleep more?? Or watch TV or any movie? Its not good, better be sad, and wait for the night.

Argue! Spoil moods..yours and everybody around..display anger and frustration and fight till tears well down.

Aloof yourself from friends and any help, and sleep. Wake up in the night to cry alone, wishing if someone gives you one tight hug..blah!! That could never happen, you don't get it when you really need it. Next day compromise with life, stop fighting, and smile..yeah that's how they judge you fighter!