Beyond Love

From few days I've been thinking about many things..wondering about what ifs, hows and whys. Sometimes just look at the roadside while you are traveling, notice things and faces that you generally never do...see the smiles and tensions...shops and shouting vendors. Notice children non-plussed, new to the world...hoping to get as soon as to their homes so that they could go out and play:), their innocent expressions and body languages...these small wonders give a meaning to live. I am in love with the world these days, having wonderful people around me makes sun brighter.
I realized that love isn't with a person but within a person.We just need a trustworthy person to share it, therefore when we say that we're in love...we simply mean that we have found someone to share our love, kept for long in our hearts. Talking about the world beyond love, the word beyond holds a simple meaning in every sense. People content themselves with the purity and importance of being from just falling in love with some person, find another world in there...but they aren't able to go beyond love. Love is a gate to the world of sacrifices, compromises, to the world of happiness, pain and pleasure, to the world of total-freedom that you never earned being not in love. You can never "own" a person, if you do that you don't have much to boast about. Love is a divine feeling but beyond love you become divine.

My day was absolutely great until the evening, I didn't understand my own behavior , there was nothing to cry about...i did it, there was nothing to write down...i did it, there was nothing to think hard...i did it, there was no one to be blamed...i did it to myself, there was a lot to say...i said nothing. Supposedly at home i'm an insensitive human being to whom talking to friends is everything, i couldn't change myself this time, because i need them all the time...i know whats right and whats wrong but then at home nobody cares for what you know...they care for what you show. My close friend says that I'm over-reacting and deeply touched on non-sense arguments...but then i couldn't control the tears welling from my eyes. Sometimes i just ask myself that why they can't see me happy, why can't they trust me, why they keep yelling about the past...I'm in no hurry but every body at my dwelling is. I see no way out where everything just gets normal and loving. I'm living in a darn confusion.

*end*

you neva know

dramatic!!!....i know. Life always comes up with surprises. Surprises u can never expect...sometimes "sad" and sometimes "bewildering". You stand non-plussed in the situation you confront. You prove, you fail. You never prove, you enjoy being alive. (EXPERIENCE, you see). Free-willed people live longer. You can never satisfy the people around you, they will always advice you, never do they understand. Their tendencies are different...only you can enhance yourself.
Talking about things in personal...i have stopped proving things to others and i think I've become more positive with things i possess:) I worth my qualities...whatever they are!
More about life in real...i don't conclude things happening in my life as real...I'm hallucinated...more than ever. I don't know where am i???? This is just another place...a place so strange, plain...no color, no flora...nothing like "i-have-a-reason-to-live" feeling but this is with this real world too....i often question my self, whats the reason of my being, why am i living this aimless life..., never did want to make money or love, I'm just waiting for my last breath...making efforts to die peacefully. Is this all??? Is it going to get over in a matter of seconds??? No laughs, no smiles, no tears, no cursing will be able to stop me from dying. I day-dream about all the things i expect to happen but they never will happen. These feelings take toll of my thoughts...I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. I want to write, but can't think...if i want to think, i'm unable to write it down. This is something that never happens with me...stranger than ever...undiagnosed.

*end*

madness

is all whats on my mind now. Dreams on fire....higher and higher, passions burning bright on the pyre. I'm falling into the most beautiful but drowning sea of life(won't reveal here), but you all know what it is. Leave this to me...I'll handle it...its my state of mind..huh!!!

dragged i feel
want to scream
carved on stone
as i can see,
an new memory..
an untold love story
alive in me.
time doesn't heal
it just reveals
the state of our
heart...
eternally leashed.

i know, i know....there's no rhyming in it...it isn't a poem, these are just feelings of a heart in love, in love with its other part...in love with the divinity...in love with the flaws...purely in love. There ain't a person, I just felt it in the air...this weather soothes the deep bruises, in love with the springs. Several things are going on in my mind, my friend ain't in good mood...she feels that i ignore her. Unknowingly, but i did it. How can i expect everybody to understand me every time??...this isn't fair. I shouldn't have expected so much. I should have given her time...i should have payed attention. **REGRETS**...but then i called her to accept my mistake and say sorry, she just said " don't just let other people miss you so much, that they make it a habit and learn to live without you", but hated it then...now i realise it was a true feeling. **I AM SORRY**.

Judging isn't right, you never know...what the other person intends to tell you and you just lead the conversation to a drastic end. This is the time when you have to just listen and smile...you'll be loved:)

Sharing is the best possible asset that a person can attain...it be countable or uncountable. I share my beliefs and griefs via this blog. I love doing it.

*end*

vroom-vroom

Life's on track again. Have heard this many times...when a vehicle starts and speeds up. Fortunately, theres a good news, "I'm happy". Many reasons for this, first...got something that was least expected(a reply!!), second..."mona", laughed entire day with everyone but specially her:), and last but not the least..."dance". The day got brighter towards the end...sun shone over the fields...beauty! Nature reflected the best imaginations i could have, those green fields spreads....magic-like. Ahem! I love this weather. I think this is beyond any reason to be happy. It makes you feel that way unexpectedly.

There's one thing I've been thinking hard, since one two three four and five days....that "i talk about myself a lot"...this isn't good. This shouldn't be done. I'm not at all agreeing to this personality trait. Talking about self should be reserved...but not listening about self. But anyways, at the end of the day I've no regrets...because this is only way people will know me:)

*end*

daily drama of my life ;)

this is something that happens almost everyday. Someone always watching me having his girlfriend by his side....can't handle this(so unfair). I know he liked me in the starting...but "this" isn't good at all...to today i felt like telling him what to do, but didn't(as usual...keeping things to myself). Problem ends if i stop thinking about it.
Apart from this, kept waiting for someone's call, kept finding time for myself, kept managing dance and friends,kept smiling all along just thinking that "aal iz welll" got a hand-muscle-sprain, eyes drowsing and brain browsing. What else?? Huh??
There are few smiles and eye-encounters that make half of your life worthy, sun seems bright more than ever and the butterflies in your stomach...unusual. Gather them, they never get rotten...they motivate the next step...provide you with a different perspective. I've found one:)

*end*

the architect

its not about a profession but a creation, a creation of you and me...! That almighty is a divine architect. It created you and me. There's this short mythological story in the novel i'm reading these days (...11 minutes):

The thinker says that initially GOD created a creature, which had four different legs, two faces, different reproductive organs and two different parts of its brain (supposedly man and a woman joint adjacently). Then there's this "Zeus" who lived on some other planet got jealous of the creature created by GOD (reason of envy: efficiency in progress in the working of the world and no "will and would"). So "Zeus" designed a conspiracy and got them separated.
Since then each part has desperation n desire to embrace the other part. ***LOVE***

Therefore we talk about "soul mates" like Romeo-Juliet's. Some of the other or both parts die alone...craving for the other for the whole life...and this is why everybody say that there is one made for each...but you can know "one" in just one sight....(I'm a believer of true love)...no offense!

Think hard...isn't this relates to you in every way...!!! You ain't feel powerful....you motivate your-self when you meet a wrong part(u crave u grave but yet save, a tear to be dropped when you'll just embrace the love of your life). Dreams, they entangle me...a comfortable web though. Someone told me that i, not remain always in me...keep oscillating between my world and your world. TRUE! very true...some people just know evry heart beat of you. Will continue later.

*end*

magicity

strange word!!! Paulo Coelho is a magic I'm reading these days...as soon as i take my eyes off the book, i realize that I'm still there..groping and immobile. What a wonderful writer he is..."the eleven minutes"(a marvel) is a guide to living life. Each page i finish, i realize i found a new experience...the character of maria is sometimes alive in me.The upheaval of the her character, its foregoing and tears welled from my eyes every time her heart aches...I'm greatly inspired. I write poem, here it goes.

title: I'm the protagonist

'I' did not change with time
its just that, time changes,
but 'i' remain intact
ever-transparent in the story.

i lead, i lose
i laugh, i choose
i agree, i deny
i write. i cry.
that's what is 'i'
the protagonist.

You always know me
when you are in my story
at times i laugh
you love me laughing
you admire my smile
tears you might can see
you giveth me power
And i remain the protagonist
of the story made in heaven.

From the childhood vulnerability
to an adulthood sincerity,
from those immature thoughts
to these effective decisions,
I've arrived
but never being caught
because I'm playing the protagonist.

like everybody i wanted to
control the trap door of this stage
but like everybody what i got
is to be "the protagonist"
of the veiled drama of living.

Reason though i never understood
of my presence, entirely over the line,
its been just one vibe
i've been carrying along
of being the protagonist
of this story, predetermined.

(original work)
: Swati Goyal:)

i write these poems just to connect with people around me...as i'm the most happiest..when "i share".

*end*

phew!!!

nice sound...isn't it!! Bringing up something to madness, following it and hoping that they might understand this time...(as a matter of fact) but u can't let them understand until you uncover your veil. But "phew" for ----> you just stopped trying...to things get better themselves, because you fear to disclose you in you. Here is a song that goes with it, follow it " I've tried so hard and got so far...in the end it doesn't even matter" (linkin park).

This isn't about the song, this is about life " you can't just thrive on words for your whole life...come to reality...come to your senses...don't just speak..do it..blah-blah blah-blah"...phew. AND there is this big confusion i live with, everyday. What to pursue...what not to????????????? Should i pursue a thought and take it to a action or just without a minute's thought do what i have to...!!! Latter is my mom's point of view of living life but "i" strictly rely on my thought ( which indeed takes a lot of time to get converted into a action...ha!).
I consistently live a strange life which hardly anyone can understand but my family bet that they can...they say" you're lazy, you're not laborious, you're not a good student neither a good daughter, because you live the way you want to"..." you don't care about others", i can't argue with them anymore and i don't have to. I will unlock the story in the next post. This isn't the right time...let me think-over and then pour in here.

And about the day...it wasn't awesome but isn't that bad. Fortunately i was happy today. Fortunately i got to know that people still care. Fortunately i saw a "hard-working and a polite" man today. Fortunately the day was brighter than i expected it would be. The mind was relaxed unlike other days but gradually moving towards the night 26th January proved to be a drama again. My closed one read my personal diary. But fortunately their was no discussion on it but rather on my non-seriousness of putting my diary in open...huh!!
I hide my inner volcanoes while talking to my closed ones just to make them happy. I wasn't like this but have become so..."phew"( holds a deeper meaning in my sense).

*end*

priority

a night can change the motive of your being, like mine. Last night has changed the entire view i had since my childhood as if a fairy tale just got over...that you'd never intend to quit. Priority, has tremendously changed. Even i didn't find a clue of how did it all happen. Ah!! don't worry...I'm not going to stop writing my blog...its the only way i connect with people...but I've a motive now. I'm no more a fickle-minded person...goals are set. I'm rigid this time...overnight i kept thinking, that why i depend on people to support me every time....why do i depend on this face to let people love me. These intentions should possess some weight eventually...since then the path got cleared and i became more specific about what should i do with my life. Every past lesson became poignant. You often judge me as very optimistic about life...I've made this "my weapon" for life. Well, this isn't actually an overnight amendment...this something was in my mind but came to my senses lately.

I heard someone saying "You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is different, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle. Follow the signs your heart is giving you right now." And i followed. My heart says forget that somebody will ever love you or gain your trust...may be these are such circumstances that temme this but I'm going to follow my heart...it rarely speaks. It says "Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not"...I'm wounded right now and I'm also turning into a person...i can not. But this is the only way to be strengthened again, to gain myself once again. Enough of living a life of beggars(true, i sometime seemed to be begging for praise and admire)...now truly i'm going to live life like i ever wanted not against my parents' will like previous days of my life...i called "living life with own rules is living against parents"...ha!! which was just a thin veil of modesty...i understand now, the hard realities of this gifted life...no fairy tale is going to affect my dreams now-on.

*end*

moving around in circles

where was i....ah!!! Yesterday i used every abusive word i could know, i know its wrong n very wrong n absolutely proves me a "bad human being"....i was guilty when i woke up in the morning. But "me" inside this human is abs safe and pure. Why i titled this post "moving around in circles"....now thats a good question. I explain it to you. This is something called state of my mind these days. Life seems to be dull and drastically way down my expectations. Got bored and immensely outta my mind...i dint realise what am i doing but still following my heart...(because i trust it).

Voice is hoarse and cries are inside
i don't know what to pursue
in an abjectly sorrowful life...

i'm moving around in circles
don't realise the monotony of it
uptill can't escape the ultimate
destination of this gifted life
as they say.

unescapable or what else do i pray.

*end*