i hate 'you' now n forever

//this was written two years back, felt like sharing this stupid teenager's hate with you//


i hate u now…
nor i love the things u said,
neither want to remember
the promises u made.

i cant see ur face anymorr,
when i close my eyes.
Just see the hatred
i possess for u in my core.

after all this…written!
i say…
i hate u more even.
u creeped outta me
sometime back
when u said those things
which were serious…
contrary to ur expression,
i lately caught ur intention.

everything was misunderstood,
since then i never weeped,
i gathered strength
against all that stuff
i cant forget you
cos bad memories forever last
but can surely erase from my heart.

u’ll soon faint i know’
...till then i want to die!!!

i do not link u to betrayal
but ur deed wasn’t okay,
i have no hopes with you
just i can only pray.

today u might have lots of love
around you
but one day u’ll crave for it,
i have hate to give you
for then u’ll love it.

i promise to never
cross ur river
everynite i yet shiver
when i hear you.

dont cross my path in future
i’ll keep mine away
though the hate in me
for u,
will forever stay.

you took toll of my patience
i forgive
you jugded my love
i forgive
you kept me in dark
i forgive
you insulted me in the past
i forgive
you haunted me in my dreams
i forgiv
you let me go away
i hate u for this…!

i have grudges against you
u’ll never explain
i dont want to hear...infact
they’ll forever remain.

now got no questions to ask
i hav answers in your silence
which is bleak and wet
your silence pierces though
it shields me yet.

if ever in my life
u’ll face me
i will see the guilt
u’ll see the hate in me.
cos i have nothing else to give u.

nobody can heal the wounds
i have hate to heal
which though may not be good
but i have only hate to conceal.

i tried to wash the footprints
of my love for u
they are still there
i made new ones of hate
which are more clear.

i threw all the memories
burnt the times
washed the compassion
and kept hate for you.

you meet me neva
go away….i hate u forever.

truth of my life
i dared to accept it
i have no reason
to go back
but to move on
still the hate in me
hasn’t gone.

-swati goyal

when i was in the dark, alone

It was late that night
stars were lazy, moon aint bright
I sat on my bed, before I'd retire
legs pulled inside my stomach
chin rested on knee, calm was my attire.

Eyes blinked, but too long was the interval
Hair flew, but so slow was the breeze
It was hard to differentiate the darkness in and out
was restless to think lest i would freeze.

And i thought,
that night i talked,
like a child to my inner god,
not afraid of being vulnerable,
not afraid if words weren't that suitable,
I spoke, without having to speculate a lot.

When i was in the dark, alone
I rested in silence upon his lap
this innocence and brightness i never revealed
the mask of surety was unknowingly peeled
I could cry and laugh out loud
was hopeful being alone, didn't miss the crowd

I saw the tooth fairy bringing up childhood stories
and those peter pan and tinker bell's memories
One hand was on my head,
another held my hand,
i was alive in me, it did assure
worries, volatile like never before
empyrean broke my forehead,
and reached my core.


by: me :)

monologue

you still here
I'd watched you go
why you smiling?
what do you want to show?

oh, this..
i knew i had.
for long, didn't miss
but its back and I'm glad.

Brooded over it,
spent several hours thinking
and understood in a while,
just when i thought..i was sinking.

You talk to me
waiting for you, to reply
Ah! yes, I almost forgot to tell
from months i didn't cry.

Now, you're here *sigh*
and i've seen you again
i'd love you to stay
we'll together feel the rain.

You shine under my skin,
You're the moment, consuming eternity,
You're the heart full of love,
did u miss my insanity?

a dusk

sitting here on the roof, time of dusk
watching the sun embracing the earth.
after it'd burn it all through the day
it loveth her, consumes her dismay.

this horizon dissolves my soul,
blends my surface and my core.
i feel I'm blowing away with the wind
like a leaf separated from the tree
to find some way, and the joy to bring.

Over my head, i see
birds returning to nests
but they aren't weary
i wish i share this flight too
while i sit alone on this uncanny roof

Sweating foreheads heading to their homes
and i watched quietly lamps that begin to glow
we'd bid goodbye to the sun
for tomorrow it'd return
with a new charm, with a new dawn
when all my dreams are gone.

:Swati Goyal

Just being myself

A scapegrace and oneiric,
i didn't see the pelf
everyone said I was wastrel
but i was just being myself.

i saw my empyrean
a novice to this world
they judged me nonsensical
but i was just being myself.

the most natural smile i had
the simplest praise was cause of my mirth
i had everything euphoric since my birth
although they didn't need it
but i was always ready to help
they called it "hypocrisy"
but i was just being myself.

i tried to give to others
that was never on my shelf
they took it and forgot
but i was just being myself.

i thought for a moment
later, i had this veil
that myself in me just trailed
I'm just myself for me
now afraid to set myself free.

:Swati Goyal

grudges wont go with time

there's just so much that mind can not congest...it should be thrown away the moment it bothers. GRUDGES wont go with time, no matter what. But there is a solution indeed. They can be buried deep that they never can affect a pea(though not everyone can do it). Time is the best healer rather i should say its the best reveal-er. I start with a negative thought but usually end up finding positive solutions to prolonged problems. May be this is the way i find ways.

*ende*

green grass and my bare-feet

Its almost been an eternity when i slipped off my footwear and walked on green grass bare foot. This feeling is a bliss...(I've to find you, tell you i need you tell how lovely you are...scientist..cold-play). It felt so pure and rejuvenating, close to myself. I've been more into my thoughts when i walked this way and gradually it made me forget the world 'momentarily' and i lost myself in the divine touch of the nature. The warm breeze talks to me and reveals a secret of its sanity. It presents me a hug and music from 'scorpions' take me to the bridge between the visible and the invisible.

*ende*

from being naive to being confused

For every girl who fell in love and now is frightened to fall in there again, this is called a journey. A path followed outta stupidity in adolescence and realized the truth later in gross as a "mistake" of a lifetime. You can never come over that mistake even if you want to...keeps haunting you...keeps shivering somewhere in the corner of your heart like a candle's glow...bluish deep under. Its a courage to live with it and yet never complain. This was the naive part, confused part of the journey has just begun with me. Experiencing troubles, not able to judge the righteous way. Although I'm learning to know myself but frequencies are mismatching. This love thing aint troubling me but keeps me away from this world. Being in love isn't a problem but to choose in love is a big one. A close friend asked me "who would you choose, the one you love or the one who loves you?" and i was blank. CONFUSED.
I'm trying to complete this post from days and got a little distracted. So these scribbles aren't focused, i blame the distractions.
I've become brutally honest to myself and to some extent with everyone. I dunno if it works safe but yet i'm proud of it.

*ende*

Ambiguity

Now-a-days I'm kinda unable to handle thoughts, they are just too many(billions of them)...just trying to pick one of them to relate things going on in this world. The answer is here in front of me, just need an eye to read it (the most difficult task on this earth...as they say)...whatever i think i do the opposite(people appreciate it, and don't know that they are bluffed...even i dunno). They believe "me" is what they know, but every past second brings a change and every present one.. i try to rejoice...and future.. i don't give a damn. There are many "this and that", i want to change about myself...but thoughts blend my perspective in a matter of minutes (while thinking severely..)..i become more comfortable with the heart than my mind and i do what i feel like doing at that moment...and the best part i don't regret it later.

**ende**

Nuisance, imaginations and dreams

physical layer of me: there's this blunder in my head, dunno what to do, which path to follow...where to go, what to hide and what to disclose. Right now I'm feeling disgust, i know anger aint a solution but if i don't write it now, i won't write it again and forever it will remain. Fun and miseries go hand in hand, but miseries take toll of everything positivity in you. NO miseries as such but worried about "the next day". I can advice everybody on that, "that you shouldn't worry" and when it comes to me...howsoever i try I'd be overwhelmed with it. Relationships aren't my cup of tea...won't be able to handle it.

more into the depths: But beyond these things i try to focus on other things...the other side of me. Nuisance may create chaos everywhere in my body-cells but it can least effect my imaginations. They are always separate from the physical world. With it, I can see that light right in middle of my forehead, with it i can play in clouds, with it i become the witch of mysteries. Because things we see now, were imagined in the past. So now you know, "imaginations" can create a difference.

deeper: Last night i wrote something in my inti, would like to share with all of you.
you really wanna know...

I don't love a person, i love a person's soul...I may sound fictitious but its true.
I'm connected to a soul made for me. I can feel it every-time around me, with me. I'm in love with it. I don't dream as such, i don't hate, I don't cry, I cant weep...this love with this soul is divine.
You'll find me absolutely mad and flirtatious like other women on this earth with this small difference...they're hardly in love. I've discovered the very essence of me since my childhood...never got off-subject(except for once i was in a web in disguise...a relationship, but nevertheless it taught me everything).
This soul doesn't belong to a body, but one day this soul will meet me in physical world...and I'll know it. There is nothing above or below love...its all beyond these limiting words. More in love, more into one's soul. I can see it and somehow i can feel it, you also want the same.

*ende*