a girl

she runs
and talks to the wind
her smile or laugh
echo all around
her little white dress
play up and down
she runs amidst fields
making euphoric sounds
her tender blunt hair
sway in the breeze
she thumps her small feet
joyfully against the ground
her wink and a gentle look
show purity of her woman
As her thoughts begin to grow
she runs a little slow
she wonders with eyes wide open
purity still irresistible
why she'd been given a seed to sow
and she sows it anyways
she is careful every time
compassionate and affectionate
she began to forget speed
for she looked after that seed
she's walking now
and walking upstream
she should like it
Her longer shiny locks
sparkling tiny eyes
make spectators think
they admire beauty
and pass-by
she is glad
as she can not cry
she holds this seed
which grew taller but a plant
she stands protective
patient with storms and sands
The woman became woman
girl remains girl.

:swati goyal (ende)

black smoke of you

you are a mist
you've become a disease
your blackness crawls in my veins
you are like a filthy creep

You watch me in pain
But you,
i wouldn't blame
moist eyes and anger mingled
I'd known the scar you'd linger

it beckons me, shall I give in?
Upon my end shall it begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end...
free me..lest i blend...

i want death, for it is the only hope

i want sorrow, for it is the only mate

i want hate, for you are all over me.

:me

 

when eyes perceive...

Two months of Pyrrhic, its hard to make a decision. Don't know anything, it aches in my head like fear of nothingness of my being. I'm imprisoned, barred of living like me. I'm stabbed and expected to feel nothing, was expected to be 'happy ever after', tragically I'll be 'happy never after'. Or I'm just living a lie, am i lying to myself but everyone? Amidst a group, my eyes stop seeing, its all blurred...24*7 anger and irritation, of not finding a way out. I feel inferior to my own self, way I've degraded my presence in this world..no one else could do that, after few years I'll be lost forever in the web of family who wouldn't consider me theirs' and to my parents I'd be 'over' . I've agreed to all that was expected of me, because it would be a good thing to obey. And soon this passion for 'writing' would evanescent like it never existed...and I'm gonna consider it a foolish-dream of my hand to write another story of a woman. My eyes could perceive what my mind is trying to ignore, how can i lie to my heart....i was fucking busy, listening to it all these years. But, mind's gonna over-rule the dream part of me, it would vaporize and they'd say 'we're proud of you'. 

*ende* (totally)

as far as possible

i am trying to live. Yes, i used word 'try' for living. As if i don't know that I've arrived to a distant place from sanity. Deeper into the world where senses cease to work, and here, i endeavor to live..i endeavor to 'perceive' because i can't 'see'. Within my boundary, which hardly exists, i am rule-less or anarchic. I tried sketching, writing in Hindi, and totally failed at it, getting into the things that others do way better than me doesn't stop me from doing it..what stops me is fear of failure. Fuck failure! Damn hardships! Keeping silence to the outside world couldn't stop the chaos within, having problems with mum kinda seize everything in my 'social' world. I don't mind being misunderstood, but with mum i need to explain. I hate it. OK! STOP BEING SOMEONE ELSE. STOP THINKING. Aaarrrrrrggghhhhhhhhh!! SCREEEEEEEEEECH !!!!

*ende*   

Being

I always speak, write, listen or think from my heart (the only working part of me)..i try not to think too much. Following my heart and consulting every pros and cons to it...places it in a stronger position than my mind. I later realize, mind is only a small part of it. In some previous post i mentioned about the conflict that was dead in me, revolt was shut and none won. Now, something has really grown inside me and that's called a 'myself'. In-fact, not only the 'self', it touches every being, breathe and tale..encircles everything, part of this world which I've seen through my eyes and which I've seen through my imagination. I know to heal and i guess that's what i'm meant to do, since when i was born, i always felt I've seen everything honestly and spoke inside truly, eventually that makes you who you are. The better i write, louder is the applaud and smoother is the growth...but this doesn't compel me to write what others want to read..and that's the best part of it..but..only when you know what your heart says. The day heart stops speaking to you, you really need to get out of the web, where you got yourself stuck in.

*ende* 

i still don't know?

My last post says 'i don't know' supposedly the best escape and eventually i don't know. A lot of things are coming up, and this little nervousness isn't that little. YES I'm scared, i don't want to be but I'm. I've risked it all yet. I dint have words to say what i feel, i still don't have them..somehow trying. I had let things or people go, whom i loved with all i have, and i miss them..a lot. Yeah! sometimes i ignore what i feel and accept what i should feel..because its generous and fair. Some of my posts will make you believe in love, may give you hope..because I'm that 'kinda' girl, i love being helpful..whatever life makes me, rich or poor, decision is made, a long time ago..before i came to my real senses. I learn everyday, and the only thing keeping me alive..i get to know and share sometimes. Like a true Capricorn, I'd kept everything inside and when spoke, it made me an idiot to myself. A lot of times i think there could be no problem anyway, problems find their way and when my heart is broken..hope finds it way too. Its just this, God is always at the mean position..we'd try to go to the extremes but we only see him when we cross the mean point while swinging all day and night like a pendulum. In all times, its the courage, valor, ability to face your own self and of course the force in your eyes and the love in your heart, that count. And finally i wrote.

*ende*

I don't know...

....

...........

From days I was not able to write. Why? Thoughts were impaling hard, couldn't raise my pen...besides silence was miles away. I was afraid to write, because this 'self' became sel-fish. It needed acceptance more than this hand possess the ability to write. But I realize it, as soon as my heart trembles to find no other way to express. My words though seem 'shallow' and 'fickle' sometimes, they speak my truth. I've been more into answering than asking myself everything. And my answers are descriptive, take time..i have a conflict within..a 'riot' i must say. Better i keep it inside, where it makes sense. Most of the time, I'm not properly conscious..i have those dreamy eyes which believe that they have got what the thing beyond them ever wanted. I don't realize that I've not spoken what i really thought i have..i speak more to myself than i speak to the world..and I'm least expressive in my proper conscious state. I'd kept a lot of things inside for so long that they are kinda disturbing me right now. Neither i can speak nor i can keep. Lately i saw an old man, working in vicinity from over 20 years, returning home. He'd always carried a smile on his face when i wish him, inside, as i could see, he's torn. Having the same routine throughout, everyday fighting for acceptance in the world, earning hard-earned respect..saluting his rude seniors..paying seldom attention to his wife and children..dying each day to not fulfill their demands. I could see it in his eyes that day..but 'he'..wore a smile. Momentarily, i was lost. My feet didn't stop but mind did stuck. These moments are precious for me.
I always kept myself from those teeny temptations. If i like someone, i just like from a distance. Because when things aren't spontaneous, they are pallid. If a guy ogles at some girl, she notices. May be likes it, because attention..everyone wants. 'She' may be thinking it for the whole day..because girls are specialized in thinking and thinking everything for hours. But girls are always afraid to take first step, if they do take..then they've really thought a lot or may be indecisive.

*ende*

i hate 'you' now n forever

//this was written two years back, felt like sharing this stupid teenager's hate with you//


i hate u now…
nor i love the things u said,
neither want to remember
the promises u made.

i cant see ur face anymorr,
when i close my eyes.
Just see the hatred
i possess for u in my core.

after all this…written!
i say…
i hate u more even.
u creeped outta me
sometime back
when u said those things
which were serious…
contrary to ur expression,
i lately caught ur intention.

everything was misunderstood,
since then i never weeped,
i gathered strength
against all that stuff
i cant forget you
cos bad memories forever last
but can surely erase from my heart.

u’ll soon faint i know’
...till then i want to die!!!

i do not link u to betrayal
but ur deed wasn’t okay,
i have no hopes with you
just i can only pray.

today u might have lots of love
around you
but one day u’ll crave for it,
i have hate to give you
for then u’ll love it.

i promise to never
cross ur river
everynite i yet shiver
when i hear you.

dont cross my path in future
i’ll keep mine away
though the hate in me
for u,
will forever stay.

you took toll of my patience
i forgive
you jugded my love
i forgive
you kept me in dark
i forgive
you insulted me in the past
i forgive
you haunted me in my dreams
i forgiv
you let me go away
i hate u for this…!

i have grudges against you
u’ll never explain
i dont want to hear...infact
they’ll forever remain.

now got no questions to ask
i hav answers in your silence
which is bleak and wet
your silence pierces though
it shields me yet.

if ever in my life
u’ll face me
i will see the guilt
u’ll see the hate in me.
cos i have nothing else to give u.

nobody can heal the wounds
i have hate to heal
which though may not be good
but i have only hate to conceal.

i tried to wash the footprints
of my love for u
they are still there
i made new ones of hate
which are more clear.

i threw all the memories
burnt the times
washed the compassion
and kept hate for you.

you meet me neva
go away….i hate u forever.

truth of my life
i dared to accept it
i have no reason
to go back
but to move on
still the hate in me
hasn’t gone.

-swati goyal

when i was in the dark, alone

It was late that night
stars were lazy, moon aint bright
I sat on my bed, before I'd retire
legs pulled inside my stomach
chin rested on knee, calm was my attire.

Eyes blinked, but too long was the interval
Hair flew, but so slow was the breeze
It was hard to differentiate the darkness in and out
was restless to think lest i would freeze.

And i thought,
that night i talked,
like a child to my inner god,
not afraid of being vulnerable,
not afraid if words weren't that suitable,
I spoke, without having to speculate a lot.

When i was in the dark, alone
I rested in silence upon his lap
this innocence and brightness i never revealed
the mask of surety was unknowingly peeled
I could cry and laugh out loud
was hopeful being alone, didn't miss the crowd

I saw the tooth fairy bringing up childhood stories
and those peter pan and tinker bell's memories
One hand was on my head,
another held my hand,
i was alive in me, it did assure
worries, volatile like never before
empyrean broke my forehead,
and reached my core.


by: me :)