Abyss more attractive these days

Does it matter? I've been thinking this, all along. Humph, it all matters at once. Every day I confront different being in me, apart from what I believe I am. What kind of hell this place is, like paradise? Perfect on the surface and noisy inside. You can see it but inseparable. In years, I've learnt to be a victim in every situation, afraid and always lagging behind, never been a fearless one to conquer. But then its what i saw around me happening, never taking the control of the situation, running like a victim, a frightened mice. Aaaarrggghhhh!!    

Patches

Once I wrote about a trance state that came naturally to me, I did not taste it intentionally. Unknown places are calling in, that's not strange to someone like me. And I do not hesitate to embrace my unknown destiny. They say that everything has a reason, they say with every shit happening around you, destiny takes shape...the shape of identical you, the curves and the flats, tight and loose. I'm unaware of what would be the mystery of the pot, hence I just do things on my impulse..confusion indeed treads in and I seek advice, but then we shall not be too timid or too open. Just keep walking, take things head-on.
I, consider myself as a writer, not as good though. I write with my limited words, and with the consent of my brain  I might restrict very personal experience within only my reach. Paulo Coelho says "Writing is like dancing naked in a street" and he says right. So if I put minimum clothes on, I am not writing for myself, it becomes a mockery of my reason to write. Writing is such a relief, letting yourself flow with your thoughts and coming back to senses to see that world doesn't care for you but how do you please it, is a realization that writing isn't a hobby nor a profession, its a meditation to those who know what words can do. I think I know now that placing words after each digital blank space is easier than placing them in my mind, voids are inconsistent and speaking of my temperament. 

You

My eyes open to see your smile, and the end with the contentment that you sleep happy. Who are you? Did you ever belong to me? You have made my day and night crazy. I wander in your thoughts, too blind to see problems coming and going away. Smell of the bathing earth, rising and setting sun, leaves growing and withering, music art or dance, all I experience at once. You have made my life wonderful. You have changed nothing and yet I get mature with your love, I get old like wine. I think, and believe that I shall pen down my thoughts about you but I rather keep thinking as if possessed by your affection, I wander on damp road, smiling. You have a beautiful heart, and an amazing smile. I've loved you like I loved me once, alive and inspiring. 

Affordable Happiness

What would be the best-est of the feelings for me? To me, standing in the middle of a long bridge between two tree covered mountains and a peaceful but huge river flowing beneath, cool breeze and my open hair brushing against the air, the shiver of the nature on my skin and bewildered eyes watching the flow of the river, eyes gazing and gazing at the distance and coming back to the water. Nature cures you, in and out, to me it the best-est of the feelings, to be so near and yet so far. Well, my mum's and dad's smile may do that too, but somewhere at a place like this will be a dream come true. :)

Broken Bridge

I was always there,
You did not see me
although you stared
And in your heart
you were finding me,
a time spared to share.
What you think and 
what you want, you knew
the essence of an old page and ink
is the soul of you.
Bringing up in heart
those moments to live
to cheer
Now, when it gets real
It is cruel than we thought,
we, me and you.
Well, then as I pass
You lose
You lose your sheer
hope and wonder
But at last 
you shouldn't have given up 
I'm the culprit
and I surrender.


-knightesS

Beauty Of Its Own

Read some tips to be happy, the ideals do's and dont's. It speaks less and screams more inside my heart. The inability to keep track of my own doings or words or thoughts, it kills you. Entire life I've been listening to my closed ones, trusting in them, but now I've known what they'd known, to extract silk outta moth, we kill it by pouring salt on its internal glands, and enjoy the profit on its carcass. Running from truth ain't a choice, its just running. Yes, we do a brutal thing, and here the difference is I need to kill the emotional 'me', the crying baby inside me is longing to die for the grown-up 'me' wants to survive. Let go, just one smash, just one attack, just one final decision without looking in the eye, without feeling the pain wheeling in front of the sight, kill it..kill it, just let go. The courage has beauty of its own, the beauty of survival after a month spent in the heart of the snow, survival after a lava crossing over your head, a survival of living alone in an empty abyss and kissing the other world,  just need some courage. Courage for one critical moment.    

Abyss

Nothing in this world has been ever dangerous than a self-abyss. You are losing yourself in some kind of aporia, and you are willingly drowning yourself in it so much that you become comfortable in it. You begin to hate all that you loved, you create a self stonewall against affection after longing for it beyond tolerable time. Its not a real abyss, but yet enough to make you fall.
Y'know t-point has become a part of my day while I'm at home these days doing nothing but brutally killing my time. Sitting there and observing the peace surrounding me, but then peace only surrounds me, unaware of the chaos inside. When I'm thinking a lot, I go quiet for a long time, so much quiet that  nobody acknowledges my presence. I give no reaction to euphoria or pain.  

Where there is a will, there is a way to un-will it.

If you trying to find a solution here, I promise you one. Yesterday, I was somewhere in my deep thought and none could bring me out. I was just thinking hard about what was my mistake if I thought typically like a difficult brainless girl. What did i do wrong upon drinking some unfulfilled wishes to hang me over? Why couldn't i be needing all those stuff which everyone just have forever? Obviously, I put my ingredients everywhere, my choices, my own taste and decisions. Everyone is unique then why we keep saying 'save your identity'..'save until you'd be denied of your own-self'. I'm ruined by restrictions, not those that world put on me but my own prisons.   I restrict my mind. I restrict it over and over again. I restrict it to materials, I restrict it to small wishes. But what did i do wrong? I did nothing wrong, I just loosened myself to the worldly things, things that you need temporarily and then you crash them for they no more interest you. The flow of your thoughts help you find what you actually need. So if there is a will, there are ways to unwill it, just like that. Don't lick everybody's arse. The arse of your own is the one impossible to lick.

*ende*

What was the 'Plan'

So i keep on asking myself a lot of times "what was the plan", and sometimes i couldn't recall it. Sometimes when I see myself in a situation like 'this', totally weird or nothingness in head or may be inability to cope with the world, I have a question in here as an aftermath, "what was the plan"...i don't have any answer as yet. Why should I have an answer? To be able to reply when 'they' ask me? To race with the time? To recollect, what i've done so far? Too many questions, but answer is still i don't know, the best answer ever. I never had plans, i hate'em. Hate'em as much as i can, they ruin things, those who thirst for it are ruined. Wonder, what will be, if there aint a plan. Everything is unpredictable, afresh, anew, alive like a Dream.

Revenge of curse

I don’t speak
I watch you rot
You rot, from fresh bud to disgust
I see you in pain
I lust your weakness
I pretend yours to love
Inside i’m in greed
Greed of insatiability of you
I found once in me
Still a fish without water
dead long ago
You are Drained out
Your bruises are alive
With’em, i fill mine
fill’em with similarity
fill’em with your blood
You rot
I dig for you
for once I rot

without my earth
Please
Rest in peace!

*ende*