Entwined Part#1

"I miss you, OK?" I said, with diminishing voice in my throat. He was on the other side of the phone, I think he was imagining me with a maudlin face. I wanted to deliver my need in the best possible way, but I couldn't speak more than this. Eyes were sunk with tears but they denied to fall away and ruin the moment, my sight was blurred and voice, sloppy. I gathered myself to tell him what I did all day, distracting him from what I might say in need, but he understood my expression and in the middle of my monologue he spoke. His voice gave me goosebumps. He said, he wandered all day long, met several people, been to crowded and attractive places, but everywhere he had me beside him that is why he couldn't miss me, he sighed and fell silent. I sat on the cold chair in the courtyard, trembling, because I was joyous and teary. I felt a deep peace in my heart. His love was simple and honest, and I got the most of it. I was special in his world, like never in mine.

We conversed for another five minutes, before we could good-bye each other he chuckled and kissed his phone, "..on your forehead" he said and hung up. It was a tough week for me and him, we barely talked..but I cherished that he always had time for me. Those few moments of the day concluded my thought process, I stared at his pictures as long as I didn't fall into my bed and shut my eyes to make images of me and him together, that's how I sleep calmly these days, I remembered in my head. For an unknown reason I confessed to him my love that night, now every poem, verse, or thought doesn't come without him, its like I'm venturing totally a super-awesome amazing world right parallel to this one. I came in, sat and covered my face with my hands, I missed him more. Tears welled this time, I did not stop them too. All the load on my heart drained away with them, I was feeling light and illuminated from head to toe.

Bizarre Search

I observed something bizarre but interesting on my blog stats, the most searched keyword was "abyss". Is it true then, we are eager to fall? Curiosity about abyss is a dead end or is it not? I may not want to further dig this topic because its kinda gravitational. Me finds no peace these days to pour in here, instability and insatiability, both forces are alike and combination of these terrify my world. Instability is in the context of my thought and insatiability is again related to thought but also will. I can not fulfill my will or something that's more of me, I lack will and wisdom. I judge myself like others do, I try to fight my conflicting thoughts, I push them away constantly, but corner of my heart denies everything that's true, it is lured by sadism and hate. May be that we call bizarre or may be not.   

Words are very Unnecessary; Enjoy the silence

Lately I was walking on a lonely road in the dusk time, a slight pinch of music playing in my ears and billions of thoughts coming and going away...but one thing that was common in all of them was my desire to get something to do, i dint think of the things I might deserve in the future but rather things that easily attract me. I entered my home with a conclusion, that was dance and being who I am which matters to me the most. Loosening myself for a minute wasn't that difficult, just keep staring at the beauty spread all around you and you'll learn how to balance everything. I was walking and thinking how good it was to walk lonely in winter's chilly wind, touching my feet with innocence. Thoughts like people will think I must be mad staying at home for all these months without work, came and went away as the wind passed on another shiver in my veins. I imagined myself radiating white light sometimes to all those who were able to see me, and i actually felt they saw the light coming outta me, I was self-inspired. Also I thought that someday someone will read all this stuff and will say that she is a born-writer of our time. Wish I can really deliver the beautiful facts I adore in this life to everyone who is to read my writs. Gave a minute thought to all those moments where my eyes will shed tears of joy, tears for someone I love and tears of loss, Oh! god there is no way outta here, i can keep thinking forever.  

For him

How your face like pendulum

manages to hypnotize my being

Curves of your eyes gaze into me

my soul and my words are silent

mesmerized by you, oh! you

My lover, My self.

I'm a mere reflection in the mirror

The thing that I see there,

right in front of me,

it seems alive,

behaving like my own body..

same gestures and same eyes.

Sometimes it feels fake

And I'm a mere reflection in the mirror.

PS: Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear to be.

Unbearable Lightness Of Being #MilanKundera

An author is generally judged as prolific by the first line of his/her novel, but Milan Kundera by the title of his books. He is a pro writer with excellent works in fiction, non-fiction and essays. The journey through the pages of this book has begun, I will let you read it with me and will share all the valuable parts of his mind in this fiction writ.
Well, lets read the first line first "The idea of eternal return is a mysterious one...to think that everything recurs as we once experienced it.....and that the recurrence itself recurs ad infinitum...what does this mad myth signify? ", this might turn out to be something I would never be able to judge!! Lets go on reader.

Visually

Its the same old story, wake up late and do not think at all about the forth coming day. That's how it is going. Then you realized you had a better plan than sleeping, you make a few calls and end up with nothing. You curse everything around you..for your life is as numb as it was a day before. No Plans! Is that it what your problem could be?

What else then? Move on! no other damn option in your life for your mind is fucked up by those small little things, want to sleep more?? Or watch TV or any movie? Its not good, better be sad, and wait for the night.

Argue! Spoil moods..yours and everybody around..display anger and frustration and fight till tears well down.

Aloof yourself from friends and any help, and sleep. Wake up in the night to cry alone, wishing if someone gives you one tight hug..blah!! That could never happen, you don't get it when you really need it. Next day compromise with life, stop fighting, and smile..yeah that's how they judge you fighter!

Understanding the web

What you do when while in your sleep you get caught in a web, and from there on you'd have to live within it howsoever you try to get out, it won't go. You'll make a relationship with it and may be later you'll start loving it...will understand it. Yeah! that's kinda forceful but what other option you have except to carry the dead loathed scum with you. That's how you're dealing with your present right now, forcefully. "The same old routine", how many times in a day you tell yourself that your path is not meant for you, this aint an ant-story like today I read in a novel, ants will survive the natural or man-made calamities by following each other, on the other hand you are gonna turn into ruins. You need a separate shield that is unique and protective of you. Parents followed their parents, but that doesn't mean they did a right thing...they deprived the world of some more art, talent and uniqueness. There must be thousand things you don't like but still do it to please either your parents, neighbor or any one passing by, in that case loved ones..go out in sunshine or in moonlight alone and ask yourself, "Do I Want To Hate Myself One Day?"..if your spirit says "NO". Kill your routine and tell yourself that you're that beautiful soul that never loses its charm and attraction, from next moment itself, you'll play with everything, you'll stop being a slave to your surroundings, and suddenly in that following sleep of yours that web, which originated out of nowhere will melt down...will surrender.

Do one exercise today, a ritual that I created on my own..you might like to apply some changes to it, do as your heart says. So here it is, turn the lights off of your room, sit down on a chair and place a big white candle in front of you on an altar, light it. Concentrate on the flame, observe it closely..the blue, the red, the orange and the yellow. Keep looking for few minutes, and then think of just someONE you really care for, someONE not in your family, some stranger may be whom you want to meet again..someone far yet closer than all other. Keep concentrating on the flame..Look for a eye like shape or keep wandering but don't let your gaze go. You just have to look till you know why you're doing it. After you know, you've understood too. Share with me.  

Its time everyone gets home!!

I watched for two complete hours outside the window of the bus I was travelling by, nothing strange did I see. It was the same expression that I saw on each face that evening - panic! There was hurry in every step to get back home safe, before the sun sets in..nor was I in some other mood..but all this humanity amused me for a while. I read many life related articles, they can not write better than I can all they have is a better opportunity than me, while i was making this as note in my mind reading an article in an English daily, i found my bus in middle of a road jam. It almost took us one hour to escape the slow movement, and that did increase the tension factor in my mind too not because I was afraid of the dark but because someone at home doesn't know that I was safe enough. The day was spectacular, I spent it my way but now its time to get back to my nest, I thought to myself like everybody.
All day the birds fly, and at the end of the light, they turn down from the sky..because in night they get shy..for the prey are often sly.  

The day I played stone paper and scissors

I never thought life would be this
Tensed and pretentious
How long do I have to walk
on this sad old grey road
where sometimes happy memories
touch and go
leaving a moment of joy
as a curve on my lips.

When I look back
Journey wasn't too bad
It is just this ugly path
stones everywhere,
All  I've is some inked paper to wrap.

From my past, I recollect
some fine pearls
lying since forever on the side of my reign.
And may be its my sheer luck
that I remembered the day
when I learnt this game
a child to child's play
and also, never did I thought
I'd again have my fate to blame.

.

In-mid-end

I’ve seen you hideous                                                                                  

Even in my thoughts                                                                                    

You cross the bridge                                                                                    

with the trembling gaps                                                                                  

and find yet another                                                                                    

piece of misery                                                                                            

You do not move further                                                                              

but didn’t opt to turn your back                                                                      

Bravery,                                                                                                    

and the pain flourish                                                                                    

Hard                                                                                                          

It has always been                                                                                      

pushing without a reason                                                                              

your own tolerance at stretch                                                                

meeting the ghosts                                                                              

yelling in numbness                                                                                

upon the rock hard bed found                                                                      

you try to look aback                                                                                  

at the other end of the bridge                                                                      

yet you held some hope                                                                                

And here fate tightens the rope  

            

Abyss more attractive these days

Does it matter? I've been thinking this, all along. Humph, it all matters at once. Every day I confront different being in me, apart from what I believe I am. What kind of hell this place is, like paradise? Perfect on the surface and noisy inside. You can see it but inseparable. In years, I've learnt to be a victim in every situation, afraid and always lagging behind, never been a fearless one to conquer. But then its what i saw around me happening, never taking the control of the situation, running like a victim, a frightened mice. Aaaarrggghhhh!!    

Patches

Once I wrote about a trance state that came naturally to me, I did not taste it intentionally. Unknown places are calling in, that's not strange to someone like me. And I do not hesitate to embrace my unknown destiny. They say that everything has a reason, they say with every shit happening around you, destiny takes shape...the shape of identical you, the curves and the flats, tight and loose. I'm unaware of what would be the mystery of the pot, hence I just do things on my impulse..confusion indeed treads in and I seek advice, but then we shall not be too timid or too open. Just keep walking, take things head-on.
I, consider myself as a writer, not as good though. I write with my limited words, and with the consent of my brain  I might restrict very personal experience within only my reach. Paulo Coelho says "Writing is like dancing naked in a street" and he says right. So if I put minimum clothes on, I am not writing for myself, it becomes a mockery of my reason to write. Writing is such a relief, letting yourself flow with your thoughts and coming back to senses to see that world doesn't care for you but how do you please it, is a realization that writing isn't a hobby nor a profession, its a meditation to those who know what words can do. I think I know now that placing words after each digital blank space is easier than placing them in my mind, voids are inconsistent and speaking of my temperament. 

You

My eyes open to see your smile, and the end with the contentment that you sleep happy. Who are you? Did you ever belong to me? You have made my day and night crazy. I wander in your thoughts, too blind to see problems coming and going away. Smell of the bathing earth, rising and setting sun, leaves growing and withering, music art or dance, all I experience at once. You have made my life wonderful. You have changed nothing and yet I get mature with your love, I get old like wine. I think, and believe that I shall pen down my thoughts about you but I rather keep thinking as if possessed by your affection, I wander on damp road, smiling. You have a beautiful heart, and an amazing smile. I've loved you like I loved me once, alive and inspiring. 

Affordable Happiness

What would be the best-est of the feelings for me? To me, standing in the middle of a long bridge between two tree covered mountains and a peaceful but huge river flowing beneath, cool breeze and my open hair brushing against the air, the shiver of the nature on my skin and bewildered eyes watching the flow of the river, eyes gazing and gazing at the distance and coming back to the water. Nature cures you, in and out, to me it the best-est of the feelings, to be so near and yet so far. Well, my mum's and dad's smile may do that too, but somewhere at a place like this will be a dream come true. :)

Broken Bridge

I was always there,
You did not see me
although you stared
And in your heart
you were finding me,
a time spared to share.
What you think and 
what you want, you knew
the essence of an old page and ink
is the soul of you.
Bringing up in heart
those moments to live
to cheer
Now, when it gets real
It is cruel than we thought,
we, me and you.
Well, then as I pass
You lose
You lose your sheer
hope and wonder
But at last 
you shouldn't have given up 
I'm the culprit
and I surrender.


-knightesS

Beauty Of Its Own

Read some tips to be happy, the ideals do's and dont's. It speaks less and screams more inside my heart. The inability to keep track of my own doings or words or thoughts, it kills you. Entire life I've been listening to my closed ones, trusting in them, but now I've known what they'd known, to extract silk outta moth, we kill it by pouring salt on its internal glands, and enjoy the profit on its carcass. Running from truth ain't a choice, its just running. Yes, we do a brutal thing, and here the difference is I need to kill the emotional 'me', the crying baby inside me is longing to die for the grown-up 'me' wants to survive. Let go, just one smash, just one attack, just one final decision without looking in the eye, without feeling the pain wheeling in front of the sight, kill it..kill it, just let go. The courage has beauty of its own, the beauty of survival after a month spent in the heart of the snow, survival after a lava crossing over your head, a survival of living alone in an empty abyss and kissing the other world,  just need some courage. Courage for one critical moment.    

Abyss

Nothing in this world has been ever dangerous than a self-abyss. You are losing yourself in some kind of aporia, and you are willingly drowning yourself in it so much that you become comfortable in it. You begin to hate all that you loved, you create a self stonewall against affection after longing for it beyond tolerable time. Its not a real abyss, but yet enough to make you fall.
Y'know t-point has become a part of my day while I'm at home these days doing nothing but brutally killing my time. Sitting there and observing the peace surrounding me, but then peace only surrounds me, unaware of the chaos inside. When I'm thinking a lot, I go quiet for a long time, so much quiet that  nobody acknowledges my presence. I give no reaction to euphoria or pain.  

Where there is a will, there is a way to un-will it.

If you trying to find a solution here, I promise you one. Yesterday, I was somewhere in my deep thought and none could bring me out. I was just thinking hard about what was my mistake if I thought typically like a difficult brainless girl. What did i do wrong upon drinking some unfulfilled wishes to hang me over? Why couldn't i be needing all those stuff which everyone just have forever? Obviously, I put my ingredients everywhere, my choices, my own taste and decisions. Everyone is unique then why we keep saying 'save your identity'..'save until you'd be denied of your own-self'. I'm ruined by restrictions, not those that world put on me but my own prisons.   I restrict my mind. I restrict it over and over again. I restrict it to materials, I restrict it to small wishes. But what did i do wrong? I did nothing wrong, I just loosened myself to the worldly things, things that you need temporarily and then you crash them for they no more interest you. The flow of your thoughts help you find what you actually need. So if there is a will, there are ways to unwill it, just like that. Don't lick everybody's arse. The arse of your own is the one impossible to lick.

*ende*

What was the 'Plan'

So i keep on asking myself a lot of times "what was the plan", and sometimes i couldn't recall it. Sometimes when I see myself in a situation like 'this', totally weird or nothingness in head or may be inability to cope with the world, I have a question in here as an aftermath, "what was the plan"...i don't have any answer as yet. Why should I have an answer? To be able to reply when 'they' ask me? To race with the time? To recollect, what i've done so far? Too many questions, but answer is still i don't know, the best answer ever. I never had plans, i hate'em. Hate'em as much as i can, they ruin things, those who thirst for it are ruined. Wonder, what will be, if there aint a plan. Everything is unpredictable, afresh, anew, alive like a Dream.

Revenge of curse

I don’t speak
I watch you rot
You rot, from fresh bud to disgust
I see you in pain
I lust your weakness
I pretend yours to love
Inside i’m in greed
Greed of insatiability of you
I found once in me
Still a fish without water
dead long ago
You are Drained out
Your bruises are alive
With’em, i fill mine
fill’em with similarity
fill’em with your blood
You rot
I dig for you
for once I rot

without my earth
Please
Rest in peace!

*ende*

The Brute World

The world is a brutal place to live, Oh! yes, when we don't have eyes to see the un-brute-ness in the world, it should be. Sometimes I feel, our elders are not always right. I would be a parent in few years, circumstantially, and as a person I have known that all the boundaries of my mind aren't perfectly smooth. So, if i consider myself as a Grown-Up, I won't be a perfect one either. Then why? Why do our elders are always right, hereditarily. At least i don't suffer from, "Oh-I-cant-take-it-don't-try-to-teach-me-you-are-a-kid" talking mania. Experiences are not everything. I always think, my parents would have never experienced what i might have done, wholly. Everything has drastically been misunderstood, WHY? all because "you are a stubborn kid" mindset since my senior year of school. I cant mend it, its already been there since forever, they dont see anything beyond. Addicted to notify every pit and fall of our behaviour. Despite of all this, I'm still not able to believe that the world is Brute, it is still a wonderful place to live. For'em its brute and thats where we contradict and forever will.

before me dies'

I was goin' through my diary entries lately, i do it when i need to distract myself from uncanny thoughts or situations which are easily avoidable but my mind still hovers. So when i turned the second last page, i saw a secret wishlist, reminded me that i was cheery and alive once. I'm glad. The secret wishlist is a sweet memory, it also reminds me I had dreams. It reminds me I've got things-to-do. It reminds me to live once again. These dreams were seen to become reality someday. And before 'me' dies, i shall see myself in the eye and must smile.

Time, now watch me stop by!

I have feet to run
and friction to stun
Its all in here
corrosion-less 
in my mind

Hey time,

There is a path
You see,
Its a kind of long.
Before I reach the line,
I'm wandering
How would you compete
with a span so short
Sometimes, a little far
You lay behind my feet

You knew
Blinded my view
Since
You can not repeat
Yet you stood at the finish
Waiting for me
How sweet of you.
You hugged me with grace
I was ready for my grave
You dint follow
My Grave is still hollow

Yours
the winner

I have Empathy for Women

I just try to be right, fit myself into my thoughts.

This, may not fit as an article, but is intended to change the view of the cults who are not still able to realize the drastic transformation that women in India undergo during her forced-sacrificing teenage to the unfortunately miserable adulthood. And yes! I have a reason to every sentence that provoked a question in your wandering minds. Women, from the times of Muslim rules in India do not enjoy much equality and stature in the social setup, neither they are considered important enough to impart adequate education. They are still secondary to the primary position for men, nothing has changed much, even the minds of the Hindus were totally manipulated, they actually feared for their women's safety rather than curbing their rights to step out of the four walls.   

 And now, like chaff, they are grounded between depressing social norms and excessive imitation of Western culture. Why western culture is a cause? There is a huge difference between Indian thoughts and Western living style. Tradition of a country entirely relies on its climate, ancestral living patterns, religions and virtues. Western culture thrives on freedom and personal space or individuality, on the other hand, India is all about family's personal bonds and responsibilities for each other. Although, birth of a girl is no more a liability, thanks to responsible change makers of our society, threat is now more on their character and up-bringing. The Indian norms are not amended, they are more confusing now. Parents get them educated from the best of the schools possible, tell them to stand on their own feet, guide them right but fail to fight the fact that India is still India. She takes a step ahead and you drag her back for your society is full narrow-minds.

You can not provide much freedom to your princess for her career, again they fear for future safety. Women remain the chaff. Her identity is still dependent on her father or husband, none of hers own.

Property rights, 33% reservation in legislature, and much more about women empowerment, but is confined to a fewer minds. She fights for her own identity, unfair it is. Why i probe to her identity? Because I have empathy for women, because I am a woman and a responsible one.

Change is needed and 'WE' are the change.    

Fuck Fear And Break Free

Today i read all of my earlier posts, and realized that i really was hopeful about life, my days were full of sun shine and bright blooming colorful smiling heart, its not that i want to say my life is hopeless..but now i understand what hopelessness means. I've experienced too much before i could step out. In the morning, when i open my eye lids i see the sun shine, but i also know that i have to rise with it, i know that i have to find hope in the most dark places, i know i should prove something. Head feels heavy in utter light of the sun, night was dark enough, end of the tunnel just begun (Jeez!! i talk in poetry). I managed to learn something somehow, and why wouldn't I..darkness teaches you to live lively in light, it absorbs fear of it. I am glad about what i become now, the learner. I tell myself everyday that i do not fear, and see i don't.


*ende*

WRITING OBSESSED

Writing has become a need now, the day we were bidding goodbye to my almost favorite professor on the earth..i was thinking and thinking a lot. As usual, i couldn't speak and i didn't speak. I wrote, no..not what i felt inside but a farewell message and see, i was okay by the end. I am so vulnerable without writing and there are chances i would die. If there is a place in between happiness and sadness, i am struck here and i don't need any help, its a path to my gumption. My writs are of no help to anyone, they are just me laying in words. I am no human.

*ende*

A little bit of evaluation

Whenever I'm about to write here, i have a thought borne in my head from more than a month but as soon as i pick up my keyboard..i miss out everything that influenced me or not influenced me ever since. I usually stumble upon the present thought, which right now is quite vulnerable and unadulterated. I just heard something really nice about myself and from someone i really value in my life, i never knew i was this important and was good enough to be praised. Literally, i never want to be in the "mainstream", a socialite or center of something important, i always want to be 'me' and i shall not explain what i was praised about. I was googling my inspiration to write again, write anything again but i found nothing. Everything is going damn awesome in my life, yet i miss everything. Sometimes i feel I'm in a no-man's-land and nobody, i quote 'nobody' can understand what am i gonna tell them, bloody i still wanna tell.

ende

Serendipity

when YOU maundered before me
and guise was enfeebled
YOU endured my ignorance
and always thought 'she will'

YOU smiled at my obliviousness
and loved me unconditionally
my presence enchanted YOU
that my absence never did

YOU were here all the time
I was so obviously blind
but this aint the truth
YOU knew, and YOU were always kind

I peeked from behind
every time I did hurt
It ached me twice
when my reactions were absurd

I, so cleverly, understood the gist
while YOU had feelings deep inside
Quietly, YOU settled in my heart
and in my blood, your love glide

YOU grabbed me from slumber
before I could just slide
Now these beats of my heart go
lup-dup, lup-dup, lup-dup
lup of yours is dup in mine
our love is so pure
our love is divine :*

-KnightesS

optoelectronics textbook

Download book here.

This book is a textbook prescribed by MDU for the 7th semester optical fiber communication subject. Have a happy preparation...oh! whatever ;)