Sunday, December 26, 2010

PUNE RETREAT

Well, i finally have things to tell. Things turned this way, i got selected for an entrance exam from nowhere and boarded the plane a week later to pune. I had totally fucked up my mind till then cause i had nothing to write..my hand was numb like my head. Winters were going away, and i had nothing to hold. No love and no life. Yes, this sounds less pathetic then the situation was. Anyways, i headed to my destination with less expectations. The time i landed was the time i wanted to forget the world behind, although i had no idea where i was. 

Me and my close friend with her cousin reached our motel and i happened to rush to the washroom as soon as we entered the small room with large front window. I looked into the mirror, my eyebrow was swollen..and made me look ugly for that time. I re-entered that small room with large window and sat down at the corner of the bed, trying to smile.


We went to a tareef restaurant approximately 1 km from our motel, i was starving but yet lost and trying to figure out where i was. A little chit-chat and unavoidable "who are you" looks, were letting me run back to my small room. Unquestionably, we went further to my friend's cousin's place. I laughed a little bit, but wasn't really sure that i wanted to. We had to study that night but i, always had to sleep if I'm tired of thinking and pretending. So, i was asleep at 00hours. I woke up early because of this dream i had(was really a nightmare). My friend was asleep, after her three alarms with cacophonous tone buzzed her ears, she opened her half eye and asked me for coffee. She got up and we kept on reading all that we brought in the name of our notes. 

Then we had to get ready for the exam, as usual i was confused what to wear, although i decided earlier before leaving, but then its my biggest weakness ('clothes'). We rushed to our examination hall, i had that big box sized calculator, my dad brought from his office..i was too embarrassed to carry that but who cares. After i came out of the hall, i was so astonished at the fact that i managed to attempt 14 questions with logic out of 45 and still hoped to get selected, my nightmare was about to come real. We tossed between two institutes and were preparing our minds against the evil of not getting in. Results were out, my friend saw three names where none matched ours. The biggest obstacle was to tell truth to our parents and we did it. Hell, we came back to our hotel and slept. After we got up, we were trying to sympathize with each other and bring back our minds from NCRA. We walked up to cousin's place and I was less stressed cause we finally would go and eat something. Her brother suggested McD, i was okay with everything until i realized that i have to sit on the back seat of a blue bajaj avenger and i couldn't guess what's next. I held this big smile that my lips borrowed from my heart. We started from his home at 2130hours and strolled on bike at night till it was 2215hours on the big clock i saw midway, my friend was trying. Wohoo!! i was having time of my lifetime. Literally, if her cousin wasn't making us laugh at the restaurant, i would have smiled for no reason and people might have miscalculated my gesture. How can i not mention that twelve and burger girl. Yes, those jokes were real good because it was night and streets were more alive than ever. And then, we went on pune darshan on bikes, in the night and the street lights. The best thing was, i was with unknowns at a unknown place at an odd time and i was hell not worried. Gradually, i was more concerned to feel that the reason for what i was there, was written by god's hand. I wanted to open up my hands to gather all the love of life and to run miles and miles and miles out of excitement and adrenaline rush in my body. Back to that small room again was not that bad too, obviously things were better in every aspect after that ride. We had photographic sessions in every possible posture.

Slept at 0327hours and opened up eyes at 0943hours blabbering hey, i can't sleep anymore. I got up saying i want to eat strawberries today and no plan ahead, we came out of our hotel room at 1230hours, starving. Ate the most random dishes ever, never heard of it..bought my strawberries and some kurkure that my friend intended to eat in the morning(hehe, i shouldn't have mentioned that). Our next station destination was Chaturshangi temple on a hilltop, the word 'hill' let us go there and more than a hill it was rather a lover's point. We sat there in the numbness, talking less and seeing more or not seeing anymore. Down the hill after a two hour retreat, we had nariyal pani with malai and some shopping. Our heads were heavy and we sat in cafe called sidewalk, desperately needed a coffee(we're caffeine addicts). Cousin came and suggested to go to the most happening area of the place, we strolled on foot for about two hours, talking and laughing and headed back home, yes it was like home then. We now had to leave, our cab was waiting at the door and for me and her it was hard to step down. We were just watching the place and each others face and talked of places we visited last night. We reached airport three hours before our plane could fly, we sat there waiting for something that tells us yeah, you're not going anywhere from this place. My mind was still searching for one good reason to continue leaving for home. I was walking on the floor, still resisting my restless mind googling the reason of my presence in there. the reason? the reason? Was i there to meet someone or my destiny was taking shape, why was i meant to be there?? I needed an answer. I saw many faces but none resembled my soul. I boarded the plane, hoping to get the window seat..and bid last goodbye to beautiful Pune. And there i was, flying high drawing random pictures on my e-ticket and trying to not ruin my time in my seat which probably i would never live again. 

This may not be the end of a journey, and there could be a li'l more to live again.

*ende* 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

daisies

dreamers talk less
and see more
they become the tides
and caress the shores
they drool in the sky
like shooting stars began to pour
strings of melody
played on a chore
a broom paints on earth
like it opens another door..

::::in process

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Just nevermind

I'm in a closet, closet of thoughts, thoughts come even in numbness, numbness is sudden, 'sudden' has a reason behind it. That's it, everything and everyone has a reason to exist, somethings that we see suddenly.. appear in our dream that night, suddenly, when we're traveling we see a hoarding saying 'FOCUS' and then other saying 'FREEDOM', and you conclude 'that's it'...the reason is faith, hope and above all 'love'. In every post I talk of love, sometimes it tests me, sometimes distress me..make me a poetess or sometimes anarchic idiotic child. I started within a closet, I'm still wandering herein. I can have several thoughts and crash them in next moment. Read somewhere, we are born with the fear of falling and loud noises, rest we acquire with our growth..see how ironic it is..i say growth then i say 'fear'. Growth could be a risk but never a fear. And why i titled this as nevermind, there's a reason for this too. You have to read and forget. I write for myself. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

ode to evanescence (my favourite band)

you've transformed in me
the soul of my being
Oh! you evanescent like my thought
dark, bleak and goth you seem
you disappear with the morning star
and so my beautiful dream
a creep crawled over my head
consumed the belief of being alone
you, before, gradually fade
give me what i seek
a relief, a screeching on the walls of my heart
to get rid of all that, bothers.

: written and edited by 'me'
Its feels like home, after so long.

Monday, October 11, 2010

non-identikal

I'm probably in a paradox
surface is rough and scars are plain
wind engulfs me and
sands drain.

i looked into the horizon
it sets me sour
half a mile done
still a half more(courtesy: a limitless brain)

i looked up, to the sky
indeed to the other side of me
i'd to travel with it
but just a path-mate it could be

i looked down at the earth
that lie beneath my footprints
i'd rubbed my fist against it, in anger
but my tears it couldn't drink

a way is never a way
until it ends somewhere
I'd call this an irony
cause end is everywhere

: knight-esS (life is fun)

Monday, September 27, 2010

'my-self-orb-'session



she was unwritten
sprinkled all over
un-collected
a melting candle
a dropped tear
an unseen kite
there she lay
in the half-light.

sly earth absorbs
and rain dissolves
it began to rot
gradually
her odour was noticed
now every sight she caught
her scars were brought
deliberately
to the 'lime-light'
posing rawness
and ignorance
tragically..
there was no end
to what darkness did to her
light gave her 'start'
they made her,
forget the dark..
she did it all
yet 'wastrel'
she was called
she was designed
to lay in the half-light
eternally.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

stillness of the world

I was totally calm that day despite of all blah-blah. Sitting on my t-point, i was looking at lots of loaded and empty vehicles running, beyond this highway was a field spread and then, my favorite part, 'horizon' where glimpse of purple with the setting sun portrayed a beautiful painting. I could hear my heart beat. The sound of waffling of leaves was a respite among all day torments. This was the day where stillness was in my inner-self, and the other day scenario changed.

I, couldn't bear the chaos and defeat, i went to my t-point as i was super-disturbed. Everything and anything didn't matter. Heart beats were not less than growls of a drum, that purple of sky was no more a painting...leaves waffled for no reason. I tried to look inside out, or googled the 'reason'. Everything was perfectly ab-normal inside me...then why? Then why, this chaos and no running vehicle seemed running actually...why the world grew still? Each part of me wanted to kill the other one, as if they were on some strike..heart beat became feeble, terribly sinking. I had to do something to stop, it goddamn 'running'. I knelt down and prayed then, i didn't know to whom i was addressing. I've heard those voices which are wiser .

*ende*

Sunday, September 19, 2010

constricted version of me

And there's a pattern I've observed of a conflicted and constricted approach in my head. Being quiet (helpful in managing thoughts), being quiet(keeps you enclosed), being quiet(lets your demons reside in), being quiet(is anyway better than being fussy), being quiet(makes you mysterious), being quiet(isn't really being quiet but copying some-one who is better known for weight of the words). Latter keeps mind constricted, i never overcame these demons and fail every time i try to think my own peppy ways. Becoming habitual to ignoring that 'feeble' voice is easy and adaptive, but is dangerous too...it engulfs your identity. Following is shit. THAT FEEBLE VOICE is real you, is real me. May be i need a lot of time to understand its realm.

*ende*

Friday, September 17, 2010

a girl

she runs
and talks to the wind
her smile or laugh
echo all around
her little white dress
play up and down
she runs amidst fields
making euphoric sounds
her tender blunt hair
sway in the breeze
she thumps her small feet
joyfully against the ground
her wink and a gentle look
show purity of her woman
As her thoughts begin to grow
she runs a little slow
she wonders with eyes wide open
purity still irresistible
why she'd been given a seed to sow
and she sows it anyways
she is careful every time
compassionate and affectionate
she began to forget speed
for she looked after that seed
she's walking now
and walking upstream
she should like it
Her longer shiny locks
sparkling tiny eyes
make spectators think
they admire beauty
and pass-by
she is glad
as she can not cry
she holds this seed
which grew taller but a plant
she stands protective
patient with storms and sands
The woman became woman
girl remains girl.

:swati goyal (ende)

black smoke of you

you are a mist
you've become a disease
your blackness crawls in my veins
you are like a filthy creep

You watch me in pain
But you,
i wouldn't blame
moist eyes and anger mingled
I'd known the scar you'd linger

it beckons me, shall I give in?
Upon my end shall it begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end...
free me..lest i blend...

i want death, for it is the only hope

i want sorrow, for it is the only mate

i want hate, for you are all over me.

:me

 

when eyes perceive...


Two months of Pyrrhic, its hard to make a decision. Don't know anything, it aches in my head like fear of nothingness of my being. I'm imprisoned, barred of living like me. I'm stabbed and expected to feel nothing, was expected to be 'happy ever after', tragically I'll be 'happy never after'. Or I'm just living a lie, am i lying to myself but everyone? Amidst a group, my eyes stop seeing, its all blurred...24*7 anger and irritation, of not finding a way out. I feel inferior to my own self, way I've degraded my presence in this world..no one else could do that, after few years I'll be lost forever in the web of family who wouldn't consider me theirs' and to my parents I'd be 'over' . I've agreed to all that was expected of me, because it would be a good thing to obey. And soon this passion for 'writing' would evanescent like it never existed...and I'm gonna consider it a foolish-dream of my hand to write another story of a woman. My eyes could perceive what my mind is trying to ignore, how can i lie to my heart....i was fucking busy, listening to it all these years. But, mind's gonna over-rule the dream part of me, it would vaporize and they'd say 'we're proud of you'. 

*ende* (totally)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

as far as possible

i am trying to live. Yes, i used word 'try' for living. As if i don't know that I've arrived to a distant place from sanity. Deeper into the world where senses cease to work, and here, i endeavor to live..i endeavor to 'perceive' because i can't 'see'. Within my boundary, which hardly exists, i am rule-less or anarchic. I tried sketching, writing in Hindi, and totally failed at it, getting into the things that others do way better than me doesn't stop me from doing it..what stops me is fear of failure. Fuck failure! Damn hardships! Keeping silence to the outside world couldn't stop the chaos within, having problems with mum kinda seize everything in my 'social' world. I don't mind being misunderstood, but with mum i need to explain. I hate it. OK! STOP BEING SOMEONE ELSE. STOP THINKING. Aaarrrrrrggghhhhhhhhh!! SCREEEEEEEEEECH !!!!

*ende*   

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Being

I always speak, write, listen or think from my heart (the only working part of me)..i try not to think too much. Following my heart and consulting every pros and cons to it...places it in a stronger position than my mind. I later realize, mind is only a small part of it. In some previous post i mentioned about the conflict that was dead in me, revolt was shut and none won. Now, something has really grown inside me and that's called a 'myself'. In-fact, not only the 'self', it touches every being, breathe and tale..encircles everything, part of this world which I've seen through my eyes and which I've seen through my imagination. I know to heal and i guess that's what i'm meant to do, since when i was born, i always felt I've seen everything honestly and spoke inside truly, eventually that makes you who you are. The better i write, louder is the applaud and smoother is the growth...but this doesn't compel me to write what others want to read..and that's the best part of it..but..only when you know what your heart says. The day heart stops speaking to you, you really need to get out of the web, where you got yourself stuck in.

*ende* 

Saturday, July 31, 2010

i still don't know?

My last post says 'i don't know' supposedly the best escape and eventually i don't know. A lot of things are coming up, and this little nervousness isn't that little. YES I'm scared, i don't want to be but I'm. I've risked it all yet. I dint have words to say what i feel, i still don't have them..somehow trying. I had let things or people go, whom i loved with all i have, and i miss them..a lot. Yeah! sometimes i ignore what i feel and accept what i should feel..because its generous and fair. Some of my posts will make you believe in love, may give you hope..because I'm that 'kinda' girl, i love being helpful..whatever life makes me, rich or poor, decision is made, a long time ago..before i came to my real senses. I learn everyday, and the only thing keeping me alive..i get to know and share sometimes. Like a true Capricorn, I'd kept everything inside and when spoke, it made me an idiot to myself. A lot of times i think there could be no problem anyway, problems find their way and when my heart is broken..hope finds it way too. Its just this, God is always at the mean position..we'd try to go to the extremes but we only see him when we cross the mean point while swinging all day and night like a pendulum. In all times, its the courage, valor, ability to face your own self and of course the force in your eyes and the love in your heart, that count. And finally i wrote.

*ende*

Thursday, June 24, 2010

...........

From days I was not able to write. Why? Thoughts were impaling hard, couldn't raise my pen...besides silence was miles away. I was afraid to write, because this 'self' became sel-fish. It needed acceptance more than this hand possess the ability to write. But I realize it, as soon as my heart trembles to find no other way to express. My words though seem 'shallow' and 'fickle' sometimes, they speak my truth. I've been more into answering than asking myself everything. And my answers are descriptive, take time..i have a conflict within..a 'riot' i must say. Better i keep it inside, where it makes sense. Most of the time, I'm not properly conscious..i have those dreamy eyes which believe that they have got what the thing beyond them ever wanted. I don't realize that I've not spoken what i really thought i have..i speak more to myself than i speak to the world..and I'm least expressive in my proper conscious state. I'd kept a lot of things inside for so long that they are kinda disturbing me right now. Neither i can speak nor i can keep. Lately i saw an old man, working in vicinity from over 20 years, returning home. He'd always carried a smile on his face when i wish him, inside, as i could see, he's torn. Having the same routine throughout, everyday fighting for acceptance in the world, earning hard-earned respect..saluting his rude seniors..paying seldom attention to his wife and children..dying each day to not fulfill their demands. I could see it in his eyes that day..but 'he'..wore a smile. Momentarily, i was lost. My feet didn't stop but mind did stuck. These moments are precious for me.
I always kept myself from those teeny temptations. If i like someone, i just like from a distance. Because when things aren't spontaneous, they are pallid. If a guy ogles at some girl, she notices. May be likes it, because attention..everyone wants. 'She' may be thinking it for the whole day..because girls are specialized in thinking and thinking everything for hours. But girls are always afraid to take first step, if they do take..then they've really thought a lot or may be indecisive.

*ende*

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

i hate 'you' now n forever

//this was written two years back, felt like sharing this stupid teenager's hate with you//


i hate u now…
nor i love the things u said,
neither want to remember
the promises u made.

i cant see ur face anymorr,
when i close my eyes.
Just see the hatred
i possess for u in my core.

after all this…written!
i say…
i hate u more even.
u creeped outta me
sometime back
when u said those things
which were serious…
contrary to ur expression,
i lately caught ur intention.

everything was misunderstood,
since then i never weeped,
i gathered strength
against all that stuff
i cant forget you
cos bad memories forever last
but can surely erase from my heart.

u’ll soon faint i know’
...till then i want to die!!!

i do not link u to betrayal
but ur deed wasn’t okay,
i have no hopes with you
just i can only pray.

today u might have lots of love
around you
but one day u’ll crave for it,
i have hate to give you
for then u’ll love it.

i promise to never
cross ur river
everynite i yet shiver
when i hear you.

dont cross my path in future
i’ll keep mine away
though the hate in me
for u,
will forever stay.

you took toll of my patience
i forgive
you jugded my love
i forgive
you kept me in dark
i forgive
you insulted me in the past
i forgive
you haunted me in my dreams
i forgiv
you let me go away
i hate u for this…!

i have grudges against you
u’ll never explain
i dont want to hear...infact
they’ll forever remain.

now got no questions to ask
i hav answers in your silence
which is bleak and wet
your silence pierces though
it shields me yet.

if ever in my life
u’ll face me
i will see the guilt
u’ll see the hate in me.
cos i have nothing else to give u.

nobody can heal the wounds
i have hate to heal
which though may not be good
but i have only hate to conceal.

i tried to wash the footprints
of my love for u
they are still there
i made new ones of hate
which are more clear.

i threw all the memories
burnt the times
washed the compassion
and kept hate for you.

you meet me neva
go away….i hate u forever.

truth of my life
i dared to accept it
i have no reason
to go back
but to move on
still the hate in me
hasn’t gone.

-swati goyal

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

when i was in the dark, alone

It was late that night
stars were lazy, moon aint bright
I sat on my bed, before I'd retire
legs pulled inside my stomach
chin rested on knee, calm was my attire.

Eyes blinked, but too long was the interval
Hair flew, but so slow was the breeze
It was hard to differentiate the darkness in and out
was restless to think lest i would freeze.

And i thought,
that night i talked,
like a child to my inner god,
not afraid of being vulnerable,
not afraid if words weren't that suitable,
I spoke, without having to speculate a lot.

When i was in the dark, alone
I rested in silence upon his lap
this innocence and brightness i never revealed
the mask of surety was unknowingly peeled
I could cry and laugh out loud
was hopeful being alone, didn't miss the crowd

I saw the tooth fairy bringing up childhood stories
and those peter pan and tinker bell's memories
One hand was on my head,
another held my hand,
i was alive in me, it did assure
worries, volatile like never before
empyrean broke my forehead,
and reached my core.


by: me :)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

monologue

you still here
I'd watched you go
why you smiling?
what do you want to show?

oh, this..
i knew i had.
for long, didn't miss
but its back and I'm glad.

Brooded over it,
spent several hours thinking
and understood in a while,
just when i thought..i was sinking.

You talk to me
waiting for you, to reply
Ah! yes, I almost forgot to tell
from months i didn't cry.

Now, you're here *sigh*
and i've seen you again
i'd love you to stay
we'll together feel the rain.

You shine under my skin,
You're the moment, consuming eternity,
You're the heart full of love,
did u miss my insanity?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

a dusk

sitting here on the roof, time of dusk
watching the sun embracing the earth.
after it'd burn it all through the day
it loveth her, consumes her dismay.

this horizon dissolves my soul,
blends my surface and my core.
i feel I'm blowing away with the wind
like a leaf separated from the tree
to find some way, and the joy to bring.

Over my head, i see
birds returning to nests
but they aren't weary
i wish i share this flight too
while i sit alone on this uncanny roof

Sweating foreheads heading to their homes
and i watched quietly lamps that begin to glow
we'd bid goodbye to the sun
for tomorrow it'd return
with a new charm, with a new dawn
when all my dreams are gone.

:Swati Goyal

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Just being myself

A scapegrace and oneiric,
i didn't see the pelf
everyone said I was wastrel
but i was just being myself.

i saw my empyrean
a novice to this world
they judged me nonsensical
but i was just being myself.

the most natural smile i had
the simplest praise was cause of my mirth
i had everything euphoric since my birth
although they didn't need it
but i was always ready to help
they called it "hypocrisy"
but i was just being myself.

i tried to give to others
that was never on my shelf
they took it and forgot
but i was just being myself.

i thought for a moment
later, i had this veil
that myself in me just trailed
I'm just myself for me
now afraid to set myself free.

:Swati Goyal

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

grudges wont go with time

there's just so much that mind can not congest...it should be thrown away the moment it bothers. GRUDGES wont go with time, no matter what. But there is a solution indeed. They can be buried deep that they never can affect a pea(though not everyone can do it). Time is the best healer rather i should say its the best reveal-er. I start with a negative thought but usually end up finding positive solutions to prolonged problems. May be this is the way i find ways.

*ende*

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

green grass and my bare-feet

Its almost been an eternity when i slipped off my footwear and walked on green grass bare foot. This feeling is a bliss...(I've to find you, tell you i need you tell how lovely you are...scientist..cold-play). It felt so pure and rejuvenating, close to myself. I've been more into my thoughts when i walked this way and gradually it made me forget the world 'momentarily' and i lost myself in the divine touch of the nature. The warm breeze talks to me and reveals a secret of its sanity. It presents me a hug and music from 'scorpions' take me to the bridge between the visible and the invisible.

*ende*

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

from being naive to being confused

For every girl who fell in love and now is frightened to fall in there again, this is called a journey. A path followed outta stupidity in adolescence and realized the truth later in gross as a "mistake" of a lifetime. You can never come over that mistake even if you want to...keeps haunting you...keeps shivering somewhere in the corner of your heart like a candle's glow...bluish deep under. Its a courage to live with it and yet never complain. This was the naive part, confused part of the journey has just begun with me. Experiencing troubles, not able to judge the righteous way. Although I'm learning to know myself but frequencies are mismatching. This love thing aint troubling me but keeps me away from this world. Being in love isn't a problem but to choose in love is a big one. A close friend asked me "who would you choose, the one you love or the one who loves you?" and i was blank. CONFUSED.
I'm trying to complete this post from days and got a little distracted. So these scribbles aren't focused, i blame the distractions.
I've become brutally honest to myself and to some extent with everyone. I dunno if it works safe but yet i'm proud of it.

*ende*

Monday, March 15, 2010

Ambiguity

Now-a-days I'm kinda unable to handle thoughts, they are just too many(billions of them)...just trying to pick one of them to relate things going on in this world. The answer is here in front of me, just need an eye to read it (the most difficult task on this earth...as they say)...whatever i think i do the opposite(people appreciate it, and don't know that they are bluffed...even i dunno). They believe "me" is what they know, but every past second brings a change and every present one.. i try to rejoice...and future.. i don't give a damn. There are many "this and that", i want to change about myself...but thoughts blend my perspective in a matter of minutes (while thinking severely..)..i become more comfortable with the heart than my mind and i do what i feel like doing at that moment...and the best part i don't regret it later.

**ende**

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Nuisance, imaginations and dreams

physical layer of me: there's this blunder in my head, dunno what to do, which path to follow...where to go, what to hide and what to disclose. Right now I'm feeling disgust, i know anger aint a solution but if i don't write it now, i won't write it again and forever it will remain. Fun and miseries go hand in hand, but miseries take toll of everything positivity in you. NO miseries as such but worried about "the next day". I can advice everybody on that, "that you shouldn't worry" and when it comes to me...howsoever i try I'd be overwhelmed with it. Relationships aren't my cup of tea...won't be able to handle it.

more into the depths: But beyond these things i try to focus on other things...the other side of me. Nuisance may create chaos everywhere in my body-cells but it can least effect my imaginations. They are always separate from the physical world. With it, I can see that light right in middle of my forehead, with it i can play in clouds, with it i become the witch of mysteries. Because things we see now, were imagined in the past. So now you know, "imaginations" can create a difference.

deeper: Last night i wrote something in my inti, would like to share with all of you.
you really wanna know...

I don't love a person, i love a person's soul...I may sound fictitious but its true.
I'm connected to a soul made for me. I can feel it every-time around me, with me. I'm in love with it. I don't dream as such, i don't hate, I don't cry, I cant weep...this love with this soul is divine.
You'll find me absolutely mad and flirtatious like other women on this earth with this small difference...they're hardly in love. I've discovered the very essence of me since my childhood...never got off-subject(except for once i was in a web in disguise...a relationship, but nevertheless it taught me everything).
This soul doesn't belong to a body, but one day this soul will meet me in physical world...and I'll know it. There is nothing above or below love...its all beyond these limiting words. More in love, more into one's soul. I can see it and somehow i can feel it, you also want the same.

*ende*

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

breaking the habit

Experiencing: my honesty, unforgettable friendship, unexpected care, long talks, divinity in the world, or sharing a heart. And i guess they have just become everything. If i start writing about the past week, this post may take episodes to end...so i will try to brief my belief and grief. A day before the most recent day I was (how to explain..uh) unable to handle few misunderstandings and frustrations (everybody's everyday story, but yet they say "its unique" and me too), and was bewildered at close friend's behavior. I let things go, i left. Wandering in my past, i tried to focus on the situation but somehow couldn't do it. As i was confused in my own wordless-world, it made things better for me. I helped mom (..cared for the very first time but being honest i would say it was just to avoid unfortunate clashes), i talked to a friend heart to heart(..shared but being honest i blurred the facts too), i apologized (..honesty to myself...kept my ego aside but being honest i needed her badly), i smiled at my frustrations(..friendship because i had no other way)...the world is happy indeed (+ 1 smile i earned on my own).

One thing that I've started lately is to do at least one new thing everyday(being it a gesture, a weird smile, a cup of coffee or tea, undoing a paper or curling my hair...any random behavior in different way...that i haven't tried ever in this life), just to break monotony. I can see the difference.

*ende*

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

trance !!

have you ever been there, where i was. It's a trance-state. Barren thought-world...no surety of coming back to senses. Totally blank, blind and numb. I lived the moment, "bliss in disguise". Bliss can be a state of profound spiritual satisfaction, happiness and joy, often associated with religious ideas of the afterlife(wiki idea).

Hm....believe me I've been there more than once...!! One night i was busy writing some new experiences in my inti(dear diary)...while in my folly of imagination, i felt as if something called my name. I followed it...within myself, wandered lonely...it became quiet but then i found an answer, an ANSWER (i wanted in my last post...i wanted ever), i stayed there for half long hour(i dunno the exact time though). I opened my eyes and realized that i was lying on the floor (around 1 am in the morning), i threw myself on my bed and fall asleep. I had no dreams that night. I feel blessed sometimes, it was as if I talked to GOD. Believe me.

*end*

Sunday, February 28, 2010

particularly its you !!

the reason for anxiousness is something i don't want to know, yes! today i confront unusual feelings...drastically new to me. Yar, what should i do?? This darn thing "affection" takes toll of me. It took me just one moment to bid goodbye and live here in ego alongside shattering myself everyday for just one answer. JUST-ONE-ANSWER. May be its nothing, may be that person is as cold as everyone but i just don't want to live this way.

here i rest in peace
nerves lie cold in need
thinking of you,
sinking in you
these lush green fields
this deep blue sky above
the breeze blowing my soul
reminds me of the eternal love
I'M IN YOU.
boundaries couldn't limit
the extent of its purity
millions of doubts
couldn't vanish my sense of surety
your absence is a spell
your presence too.

I envy those, You love
I deny I Love you
I want you to talk
I want you to walk
beside
hold my hand
i see this light
in your eye
You make me feel
important
I'm weird at things
when you're away
I wait for you
every single day.
I do not own you
neither i want to
I'M IN YOU
FOREVER.


You may conclude from this that i'm in love but this aint true. I'm in a state called "beyond love"...its lovely out here.

*ende*

Thursday, February 25, 2010

conflict is dead

dragging myself away in the hindrances of non-subjectivity, i mean I'm letting myself go with my mind, so I'm kinda going off-track i.e. i had lived trusting my heart, always followed its order like mad but now I'm doing the opposite. I'm listening to my brains more than my heart. The conflict is dead, the ever revolting heart and the discouraging mind are paused. But at least today i know what i feel, worse is when you don't know what you feel (so today is a lucky day). Ummm...*pause*...a long one. Blank.....no pulse no beat no hope. Its just-breaking-a-habit symptom.

*end*

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

transformation

BELIEVE ME! I'm a woman and i know what a transformation means. I'm meant to be transformed into another person everyday. I am transformed today in a different way though. I had an outburst of emotions an hour ago, i cried my heart out...thought that people just don't understand and they just don't. But now its me who understood...sometimes I'm unable to express what my inner feel, i find it difficult to express myself but in brief I'm telling you...this soul in me has undergone drastic transformation. That cry gave me back the character i left behind in my past, i want to be something...I've found someone whose smile has become my sole motive for forthcoming life. This is no declaration, this is realization. The magic of world, the magic of the nature, the magic of my own. My view about blood relationships is positive and I'm still thinking about "the hour" of change.

*end*

Saturday, February 20, 2010

i'm chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere

I'm grateful to life. It has taught me things i shouldn't have learnt,but by some other's experiences. Today, i feel so fulfilled...I'm up, to having living my dreams. A bright sunny day, a cup of coffee and a nice book, sometimes with friends or sometimes alone...with ongoing disputes and sacrifices, i call it "perfect". I've everything, but adventure. To be precise...adventure of exploring the world, the people or access to do something on my own, getting injured and to wait for self-healing, to find a world within, to demolish things, and make new outta'em. I should be positive about life, I'm fortunate...I can negotiate with the life.

*end*

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Beyond Love

From few days I've been thinking about many things..wondering about what ifs, hows and whys. Sometimes just look at the roadside while you are traveling, notice things and faces that you generally never do...see the smiles and tensions...shops and shouting vendors. Notice children non-plussed, new to the world...hoping to get as soon as to their homes so that they could go out and play:), their innocent expressions and body languages...these small wonders give a meaning to live. I am in love with the world these days, having wonderful people around me makes sun brighter.
I realized that love isn't with a person but within a person.We just need a trustworthy person to share it, therefore when we say that we're in love...we simply mean that we have found someone to share our love, kept for long in our hearts. Talking about the world beyond love, the word beyond holds a simple meaning in every sense. People content themselves with the purity and importance of being from just falling in love with some person, find another world in there...but they aren't able to go beyond love. Love is a gate to the world of sacrifices, compromises, to the world of happiness, pain and pleasure, to the world of total-freedom that you never earned being not in love. You can never "own" a person, if you do that you don't have much to boast about. Love is a divine feeling but beyond love you become divine.

My day was absolutely great until the evening, I didn't understand my own behavior , there was nothing to cry about...i did it, there was nothing to write down...i did it, there was nothing to think hard...i did it, there was no one to be blamed...i did it to myself, there was a lot to say...i said nothing. Supposedly at home i'm an insensitive human being to whom talking to friends is everything, i couldn't change myself this time, because i need them all the time...i know whats right and whats wrong but then at home nobody cares for what you know...they care for what you show. My close friend says that I'm over-reacting and deeply touched on non-sense arguments...but then i couldn't control the tears welling from my eyes. Sometimes i just ask myself that why they can't see me happy, why can't they trust me, why they keep yelling about the past...I'm in no hurry but every body at my dwelling is. I see no way out where everything just gets normal and loving. I'm living in a darn confusion.

*end*

Monday, February 8, 2010

you neva know

dramatic!!!....i know. Life always comes up with surprises. Surprises u can never expect...sometimes "sad" and sometimes "bewildering". You stand non-plussed in the situation you confront. You prove, you fail. You never prove, you enjoy being alive. (EXPERIENCE, you see). Free-willed people live longer. You can never satisfy the people around you, they will always advice you, never do they understand. Their tendencies are different...only you can enhance yourself.
Talking about things in personal...i have stopped proving things to others and i think I've become more positive with things i possess:) I worth my qualities...whatever they are!
More about life in real...i don't conclude things happening in my life as real...I'm hallucinated...more than ever. I don't know where am i???? This is just another place...a place so strange, plain...no color, no flora...nothing like "i-have-a-reason-to-live" feeling but this is with this real world too....i often question my self, whats the reason of my being, why am i living this aimless life..., never did want to make money or love, I'm just waiting for my last breath...making efforts to die peacefully. Is this all??? Is it going to get over in a matter of seconds??? No laughs, no smiles, no tears, no cursing will be able to stop me from dying. I day-dream about all the things i expect to happen but they never will happen. These feelings take toll of my thoughts...I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. I want to write, but can't think...if i want to think, i'm unable to write it down. This is something that never happens with me...stranger than ever...undiagnosed.

*end*

Sunday, February 7, 2010

madness

is all whats on my mind now. Dreams on fire....higher and higher, passions burning bright on the pyre. I'm falling into the most beautiful but drowning sea of life(won't reveal here), but you all know what it is. Leave this to me...I'll handle it...its my state of mind..huh!!!

dragged i feel
want to scream
carved on stone
as i can see,
an new memory..
an untold love story
alive in me.
time doesn't heal
it just reveals
the state of our
heart...
eternally leashed.

i know, i know....there's no rhyming in it...it isn't a poem, these are just feelings of a heart in love, in love with its other part...in love with the divinity...in love with the flaws...purely in love. There ain't a person, I just felt it in the air...this weather soothes the deep bruises, in love with the springs. Several things are going on in my mind, my friend ain't in good mood...she feels that i ignore her. Unknowingly, but i did it. How can i expect everybody to understand me every time??...this isn't fair. I shouldn't have expected so much. I should have given her time...i should have payed attention. **REGRETS**...but then i called her to accept my mistake and say sorry, she just said " don't just let other people miss you so much, that they make it a habit and learn to live without you", but hated it then...now i realise it was a true feeling. **I AM SORRY**.

Judging isn't right, you never know...what the other person intends to tell you and you just lead the conversation to a drastic end. This is the time when you have to just listen and smile...you'll be loved:)

Sharing is the best possible asset that a person can attain...it be countable or uncountable. I share my beliefs and griefs via this blog. I love doing it.

*end*

Friday, February 5, 2010

vroom-vroom

Life's on track again. Have heard this many times...when a vehicle starts and speeds up. Fortunately, theres a good news, "I'm happy". Many reasons for this, first...got something that was least expected(a reply!!), second..."mona", laughed entire day with everyone but specially her:), and last but not the least..."dance". The day got brighter towards the end...sun shone over the fields...beauty! Nature reflected the best imaginations i could have, those green fields spreads....magic-like. Ahem! I love this weather. I think this is beyond any reason to be happy. It makes you feel that way unexpectedly.

There's one thing I've been thinking hard, since one two three four and five days....that "i talk about myself a lot"...this isn't good. This shouldn't be done. I'm not at all agreeing to this personality trait. Talking about self should be reserved...but not listening about self. But anyways, at the end of the day I've no regrets...because this is only way people will know me:)

*end*

Thursday, February 4, 2010

daily drama of my life ;)

this is something that happens almost everyday. Someone always watching me having his girlfriend by his side....can't handle this(so unfair). I know he liked me in the starting...but "this" isn't good at all...to today i felt like telling him what to do, but didn't(as usual...keeping things to myself). Problem ends if i stop thinking about it.
Apart from this, kept waiting for someone's call, kept finding time for myself, kept managing dance and friends,kept smiling all along just thinking that "aal iz welll" got a hand-muscle-sprain, eyes drowsing and brain browsing. What else?? Huh??
There are few smiles and eye-encounters that make half of your life worthy, sun seems bright more than ever and the butterflies in your stomach...unusual. Gather them, they never get rotten...they motivate the next step...provide you with a different perspective. I've found one:)

*end*

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

the architect

its not about a profession but a creation, a creation of you and me...! That almighty is a divine architect. It created you and me. There's this short mythological story in the novel i'm reading these days (...11 minutes):

The thinker says that initially GOD created a creature, which had four different legs, two faces, different reproductive organs and two different parts of its brain (supposedly man and a woman joint adjacently). Then there's this "Zeus" who lived on some other planet got jealous of the creature created by GOD (reason of envy: efficiency in progress in the working of the world and no "will and would"). So "Zeus" designed a conspiracy and got them separated.
Since then each part has desperation n desire to embrace the other part. ***LOVE***

Therefore we talk about "soul mates" like Romeo-Juliet's. Some of the other or both parts die alone...craving for the other for the whole life...and this is why everybody say that there is one made for each...but you can know "one" in just one sight....(I'm a believer of true love)...no offense!

Think hard...isn't this relates to you in every way...!!! You ain't feel powerful....you motivate your-self when you meet a wrong part(u crave u grave but yet save, a tear to be dropped when you'll just embrace the love of your life). Dreams, they entangle me...a comfortable web though. Someone told me that i, not remain always in me...keep oscillating between my world and your world. TRUE! very true...some people just know evry heart beat of you. Will continue later.

*end*

Friday, January 29, 2010

magicity

strange word!!! Paulo Coelho is a magic I'm reading these days...as soon as i take my eyes off the book, i realize that I'm still there..groping and immobile. What a wonderful writer he is..."the eleven minutes"(a marvel) is a guide to living life. Each page i finish, i realize i found a new experience...the character of maria is sometimes alive in me.The upheaval of the her character, its foregoing and tears welled from my eyes every time her heart aches...I'm greatly inspired. I write poem, here it goes.

title: I'm the protagonist

'I' did not change with time
its just that, time changes,
but 'i' remain intact
ever-transparent in the story.

i lead, i lose
i laugh, i choose
i agree, i deny
i write. i cry.
that's what is 'i'
the protagonist.

You always know me
when you are in my story
at times i laugh
you love me laughing
you admire my smile
tears you might can see
you giveth me power
And i remain the protagonist
of the story made in heaven.

From the childhood vulnerability
to an adulthood sincerity,
from those immature thoughts
to these effective decisions,
I've arrived
but never being caught
because I'm playing the protagonist.

like everybody i wanted to
control the trap door of this stage
but like everybody what i got
is to be "the protagonist"
of the veiled drama of living.

Reason though i never understood
of my presence, entirely over the line,
its been just one vibe
i've been carrying along
of being the protagonist
of this story, predetermined.

(original work)
: Swati Goyal:)

i write these poems just to connect with people around me...as i'm the most happiest..when "i share".

*end*

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

phew!!!

nice sound...isn't it!! Bringing up something to madness, following it and hoping that they might understand this time...(as a matter of fact) but u can't let them understand until you uncover your veil. But "phew" for ----> you just stopped trying...to things get better themselves, because you fear to disclose you in you. Here is a song that goes with it, follow it " I've tried so hard and got so far...in the end it doesn't even matter" (linkin park).

This isn't about the song, this is about life " you can't just thrive on words for your whole life...come to reality...come to your senses...don't just speak..do it..blah-blah blah-blah"...phew. AND there is this big confusion i live with, everyday. What to pursue...what not to????????????? Should i pursue a thought and take it to a action or just without a minute's thought do what i have to...!!! Latter is my mom's point of view of living life but "i" strictly rely on my thought ( which indeed takes a lot of time to get converted into a action...ha!).
I consistently live a strange life which hardly anyone can understand but my family bet that they can...they say" you're lazy, you're not laborious, you're not a good student neither a good daughter, because you live the way you want to"..." you don't care about others", i can't argue with them anymore and i don't have to. I will unlock the story in the next post. This isn't the right time...let me think-over and then pour in here.

And about the day...it wasn't awesome but isn't that bad. Fortunately i was happy today. Fortunately i got to know that people still care. Fortunately i saw a "hard-working and a polite" man today. Fortunately the day was brighter than i expected it would be. The mind was relaxed unlike other days but gradually moving towards the night 26th January proved to be a drama again. My closed one read my personal diary. But fortunately their was no discussion on it but rather on my non-seriousness of putting my diary in open...huh!!
I hide my inner volcanoes while talking to my closed ones just to make them happy. I wasn't like this but have become so..."phew"( holds a deeper meaning in my sense).

*end*

Sunday, January 24, 2010

priority

a night can change the motive of your being, like mine. Last night has changed the entire view i had since my childhood as if a fairy tale just got over...that you'd never intend to quit. Priority, has tremendously changed. Even i didn't find a clue of how did it all happen. Ah!! don't worry...I'm not going to stop writing my blog...its the only way i connect with people...but I've a motive now. I'm no more a fickle-minded person...goals are set. I'm rigid this time...overnight i kept thinking, that why i depend on people to support me every time....why do i depend on this face to let people love me. These intentions should possess some weight eventually...since then the path got cleared and i became more specific about what should i do with my life. Every past lesson became poignant. You often judge me as very optimistic about life...I've made this "my weapon" for life. Well, this isn't actually an overnight amendment...this something was in my mind but came to my senses lately.

I heard someone saying "You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is different, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle. Follow the signs your heart is giving you right now." And i followed. My heart says forget that somebody will ever love you or gain your trust...may be these are such circumstances that temme this but I'm going to follow my heart...it rarely speaks. It says "Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not"...I'm wounded right now and I'm also turning into a person...i can not. But this is the only way to be strengthened again, to gain myself once again. Enough of living a life of beggars(true, i sometime seemed to be begging for praise and admire)...now truly i'm going to live life like i ever wanted not against my parents' will like previous days of my life...i called "living life with own rules is living against parents"...ha!! which was just a thin veil of modesty...i understand now, the hard realities of this gifted life...no fairy tale is going to affect my dreams now-on.

*end*

Saturday, January 23, 2010

moving around in circles

where was i....ah!!! Yesterday i used every abusive word i could know, i know its wrong n very wrong n absolutely proves me a "bad human being"....i was guilty when i woke up in the morning. But "me" inside this human is abs safe and pure. Why i titled this post "moving around in circles"....now thats a good question. I explain it to you. This is something called state of my mind these days. Life seems to be dull and drastically way down my expectations. Got bored and immensely outta my mind...i dint realise what am i doing but still following my heart...(because i trust it).

Voice is hoarse and cries are inside
i don't know what to pursue
in an abjectly sorrowful life...

i'm moving around in circles
don't realise the monotony of it
uptill can't escape the ultimate
destination of this gifted life
as they say.

unescapable or what else do i pray.

*end*

enough!!!!

well, thats the word for today....a lot of things went "enough" for me today. Enough of "masti", enough of "tolerence" of some non-sense and abusive texts from my school mate(u remember the moron, i mentioned earlier) and enough of "scoldings" by mom and (esp.) dad. Life seems to be miserable at the end of the day. Yeah!!! i don't want to spoil the memories i gathered today by just a "bad-mood"....i enjoyed a lot, celebrated my close friends birthday...even the journey was awesome, but had to pay for all this at the end of the day...but chalta hai yaar...friends ke saath ke liye this is a mere cost.

As mentioned above, got two reasons for bad mood. That scoundrel didn't get my message...i bet he will reply to me until he feels that his ego has "enough" of injuries...n also can i bet that i'm gonna win this argument this time...because this is powerful "me" involved here and not the human inside me. This time nothing called "losing" is going to happen. He will definitely see a drastic change in his ****ing life **i bet again!!!** "Enough" of discussing the rubbishness of my life. And now the another reason goes as " late-entry " to the home after the party...(yeah!!! defi. a reason to get scolded) and i got the message when my family didn't open gate for me...ha! But...they opened and let me in at last. I escaped lately.

have a lot to tell you but don't wanna make this post a long one...so i quit here bidding all of u a good night and pleeeeeej sleep tight because its really cold outta there. tell u everything tommorow.:):)

*end*

Friday, January 22, 2010

new post

a new post means something new happened lately in my life!!! Yes! this is some sort of sudden hype in my confidence for "writing"...i get thrills when people pay attention...when they praise me. My close friend, i was just chatting with her last night around midnight, said that i write good things about life. This sentence just posed enough for me. I feel like the writing queen...uh! ah! I know, i shouldn't be that excited but this is not my behavior but human behavior!! She liked this line too:)

I watched a nice movie today and yesterday...(yawn) I do least work these days...besides pouring in here. "Life is a race, if u don't run fast...u'll be like broken "anda"...ha"...nice dialogue from a nice movie...i hope u remember. And about the movies i saw, were "half-light" and "1408"....such thrills and suspense.

I heard another wonderful line i want to share" i imagine love as incompleteness in absence"....true...close to everyone indeed...howsoever you feel that u're not in love n once being hurt u just lose urself but fellas!!! Wait, nothing in this world can be done without love...its a power to you. Though u watch in every second hindi movie that whenever love is in danger...hero gets a sudden power to conquer the villain with only one punch...(holy-shit)..but still it holds a message. Uh! i learnt that from my mom, to see things with a motive...be a real spectator. So, where was i, yes, love!!! the line i mentioned earlier says that two lovers are like two volumes of a book, each is incomplete without the either. where is my other volume!! i've been looking for it everywhere...divine...special...and natural!!!

*end*

Thursday, January 21, 2010

dear diary

how can it be difficult for few morons to live in peace. They just find out every way of teasing others...i recently had an encounter. He used to send messages to me on a sn site for no reason...used such abrupt language (by the way he was one of my school friends)...of which he dint even understand the meaning...really!!!! N now i don't wanna discuss him anymore....i have sent him a message to avoid placing anything on my page...lets see if he understand or is there any other way to make that idiot get my words **peace**

Besides all this i miss my friends a lot while sitting idle at my home. I've got just nothing to do...n i also feel lonely sometimes..**sad** to add to the sadness i live in a place of greens away from human life...curse or boon...i just don't get it. Chatting n blogging just create a fake sense of being with one u miss...but being actually wid them is a different thing...u can see them laugh...u can see them cry...u can see them become numb and talk. I am social person...i cant wait for my college to get started. I'm feeling so outta world, there must be a way to keep away this solitaire.
Well, i spend my day listening to songs...watching movies n studying!!! Another wasteful day without friends. I heard a nice song to cherish the day...called "then" by BRAD PRAISLEY.

*end*

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

myth

dunno whats in here
don't know whats gonna be on the other side
i have a myth for my own good
i have owned it since my heart fears


this myth's my den...this gives
me a reason to live,
not dat i m away from reality
i m aware but it still my hide out.

guys and gals this love is a strange thing, i know it little but its a powerful thing. Feel free to express urself...u'll not gonna lose....love wid ur heart...u'll rock:)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

heard this at least 200 times...

n now u know that i love fairy tales a lot:)

Love Story lyrics
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

listen to the song as well at the following link:)

http://mp3dl.co.cc/mp3/Taylor+Swift+-+Love+Story.mp3/

dizzyday....

dear diary,
i've been disappointed at the end of the day...no fruitful study, nothing to cherish.. indeed today was a wasteful day....nothing done at all..except for some fight n plans made. But yesterday was a great day (secret lies in here).

Yesterday i studied...dreamt...smiled for no reason, in short i remained happy but today "no expressions" nothing done to make world around me "beautiful". I started to teach my maid's daughter but mom denied..(huh). I really don't love to be selfish. i just want to have memories for life long...to smile when i'll sit on an easy chair in my lush green garden n my daughter asking me" what are you smiling at?"...and them i'll be the happiest one!!!
Well just to end with a great thought " i kept thinking today why did mom made me to stop teaching that girl" realised that there lies something good in every situation...may be there was something good for me. I'm happy now:)

*end*

Friday, January 15, 2010

great life....

dear diary

life's is going great. What to tell you??? Struggle and fun go hand in hand. Struggling to take permission from mum to participate in a dance competition and on other hand having fun wid friends on birthday party. Life's good being with friends, you have freedom of thought, freedom of showing your true selves, freedom of doing whatever u want to do n freedom to say what ur mind says.

i love being with my friends...they make me laugh, they make me what i am now. One thing is sure i'm not going to lose them. I attended a party yesterday...great fun...dint stop laughing at all, made some new friends and returned home light-hearted.
I love it, when my heart gives me surprises. I missed someone from the party after i came home...kept thinking "whys and hows" of the feeling i had. Later realized i-have-a -crush on someone. PLEASANT. After a long time i liked someone. hmmm.....well i do not intend to take this further but what if destiny has something else in its bag.

*end*

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

13th january 2010

dear diary,
new day new challenges...new experiences!!!! Somehow i can not control my life...I'm flowing with the stream. I know most people live their life the same way, but not many try to live the way they ever want to.
I heard from an acquaintance that I'm competitive. That was only a first impression, then i take a look inside and see that comments made on my "self" make me think "how-i-am"...! Well, this is why i think i can control a little...there is nothing called "my behavior", its all called "human behavior". Whatever i feel is not the person i am...but human behavior. I thought that i should share my experience and thoughts i encounter everyday...so here its all in written.

*end*

Sunday, January 10, 2010

10th january 2010

dear diary,

life's miserable when viruses engulf a part of you...stop you from being independent. No!No! i'm talking about cold and cough....suffering from 48 long hours. Enough of medicines, teas, n coffees to keep me warm but the effect=ghanta. To add to the miserability i have an exam in a day or two...what to do????
but when i see as a spectator...i would admire the attention i'm getting these days *smiles*.
Story of everyday.....something miserable n something to cherish for life long. i live like conquering the world everyday.....winning and losing!!! everybody does...
I had a dream half hour ago....just a normal one, adding to my dreamworld another memorable future moment( i wish i live it)... I, went for dance auditions and showed up great moves that everybody was stunned....applause and selection....ha! dream u see what u want!!! A normal girl with her day-dreams:)

*end*