Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Root of it all

I have wondered throughout my life why I feel so shallow when I have a huge thinking capacity, an ability to reason and give witty logic. Why the fuck is my writing seems so incoherent to the reader? Why i don't have answers to all these questions and what the fuck am I not doing?

Today, in a long discussion with beau, I realized something which was long due!

That I don't want to work.
That I don't want to put in any effort.
That I don't want anything at all, I am just a silly dreamer ever since I have been conscious and healthy.

Big fat fucking lie I have been telling myself about passion and intelligence! This isn't an imposter's syndrome (stop giving yourself excuses!), this is right in front of me, root of it all. My confusions, my distractions are countless and this agony like fire, burns me, makes me blind. I am posed as my own enemy now. Only effort and hard work is the solution, some discipline finally! There has been a lot of struggle already to live completely.

Who came first, hen or the eggs, I'd never know. I will let instinct guide me this time and it tells me that I need a direction first and only then the efforts will come in handy. I'll keep practicing hard work side by side.

I need to be sure this time (I am not panicking, I am just waiting).