Beauty Of Its Own

Read some tips to be happy, the ideals do's and dont's. It speaks less and screams more inside my heart. The inability to keep track of my own doings or words or thoughts, it kills you. Entire life I've been listening to my closed ones, trusting in them, but now I've known what they'd known, to extract silk outta moth, we kill it by pouring salt on its internal glands, and enjoy the profit on its carcass. Running from truth ain't a choice, its just running. Yes, we do a brutal thing, and here the difference is I need to kill the emotional 'me', the crying baby inside me is longing to die for the grown-up 'me' wants to survive. Let go, just one smash, just one attack, just one final decision without looking in the eye, without feeling the pain wheeling in front of the sight, kill it..kill it, just let go. The courage has beauty of its own, the beauty of survival after a month spent in the heart of the snow, survival after a lava crossing over your head, a survival of living alone in an empty abyss and kissing the other world,  just need some courage. Courage for one critical moment.    

Abyss

Nothing in this world has been ever dangerous than a self-abyss. You are losing yourself in some kind of aporia, and you are willingly drowning yourself in it so much that you become comfortable in it. You begin to hate all that you loved, you create a self stonewall against affection after longing for it beyond tolerable time. Its not a real abyss, but yet enough to make you fall.
Y'know t-point has become a part of my day while I'm at home these days doing nothing but brutally killing my time. Sitting there and observing the peace surrounding me, but then peace only surrounds me, unaware of the chaos inside. When I'm thinking a lot, I go quiet for a long time, so much quiet that  nobody acknowledges my presence. I give no reaction to euphoria or pain.  

Where there is a will, there is a way to un-will it.

If you trying to find a solution here, I promise you one. Yesterday, I was somewhere in my deep thought and none could bring me out. I was just thinking hard about what was my mistake if I thought typically like a difficult brainless girl. What did i do wrong upon drinking some unfulfilled wishes to hang me over? Why couldn't i be needing all those stuff which everyone just have forever? Obviously, I put my ingredients everywhere, my choices, my own taste and decisions. Everyone is unique then why we keep saying 'save your identity'..'save until you'd be denied of your own-self'. I'm ruined by restrictions, not those that world put on me but my own prisons.   I restrict my mind. I restrict it over and over again. I restrict it to materials, I restrict it to small wishes. But what did i do wrong? I did nothing wrong, I just loosened myself to the worldly things, things that you need temporarily and then you crash them for they no more interest you. The flow of your thoughts help you find what you actually need. So if there is a will, there are ways to unwill it, just like that. Don't lick everybody's arse. The arse of your own is the one impossible to lick.

*ende*